An Ode to the Pause of 2020

This is the last day of the first vacation I’ve taken by a year, and certainly doesn’t feel like it’s been anywhere near what I need to recover from all that’s happened.

This has been a tremendous year of growth for me, but it’s been accompanied by almost daily struggles. Not in a way that I couldn’t cope but in a way that it has taken a tremendous amount of strength for me to power through. It’s been an odd year where I’ve had more realizations than I can count and yet it’s barely half over.

The combination of starting a new job that I feel unqualified for and trying to keep up with that job paired with the advent of quarantine and a pretty rocky relationship that has started, ended, and started again all within 2020 has forced me to learn about myself and adapt with a strength that I truly didn’t think I had. It’s been incredibly empowering in a way that makes me grateful this year but I mourn for the fact that it had to happen this way.

I still worry for what’s to come and have spent all day fretting as I’ve had the privilege to mostly shut off this past week and ignore and now I know that I have to come back to reality. And so I find myself curled in the dark in the bathtub trying to drown it out all the while knowing that I also need to embrace and accept it.

Zero weeks this year have been easy, partially due to the fact that I work in an industry where I am literally paid to stress. But I’ve plowed through it with the mindset that if I embrace a growth mindset, I will be able to succeed in life no matter what happens. I wonder if one day I’ll truly be able to let it go. The external expectations, the societal demands, at least the ones that don’t align with what makes me happy.

I do feel like I’m getting closer, closer to believing in myself despite external outcomes, developing a stronger willingness to believe in my instincts and advocate for myself. But there’s still a fear that lingers and I suppose that’s the bit of me I have to learn to sit with and accept and perhaps even befriend if i’m to get through the rest of this year.

little things to strive for

1. being better tomorrow than i was today
2. enjoying life as it is today not in preparation for the future
3. learning from people that have qualities i admire rather than being jealous of them
4. putting positivity into the world even if it’s just a little bit
5. nourishing the relationships that are important to me
6. valuing myself rather than relying on the validation of others
7. refusing to stay trapped somewhere because i’m too scared to move on
8. not allowing people around me define the meaning of success
9. acknowledging all of what i’m feeling not just constantly pushing away the negative
10. not letting fear get in the way of taking risks and being vulnerable
11. celebrating myself rather than always focusing on what i’m not good at

Being Purposeful

Today I learned that meditating can be a much better tool at dealing with the self-negativity I have when I’m exhausted. And that I’ve been operating under the assumption that by having sky high expectations of myself, I never disappoint everyone else. Today, I’m questioning that stance and experimenting with something new.

Being kind and patient with myself. instead of regretting why I didn’t do better today, taking away a couple lessons from the day and figuring out how I can apply them to myself tomorrow. And if tomorrow comes, and I just can’t do it, I’ll try again the next day.

I’ve been chugging forward for so long and it felt like I was going somewhere, but I think I’ve just been surviving. I don’t really want to do that anymore. I want to be aware and pointed with the life that I live. Doing things not because other people say it’s right, but because that’s what makes me fulfilled and happy in this life. I don’t think I’m far off course now, but I do feel like a toddler has been driving the car.

I was frustrated today that I wasn’t better. That I didn’t immediately know how to do this job the right way. I was frustrated and anxious that maybe I didn’t choose the right stocks, maybe my research has been wrong this entire time. I was frustrated that I’m not more extroverted and that I can’t conduct all my meetings like someone who has been doing this for 10 years.

I always thought that the only way to be successful in life was to be this hard on yourself. Because self-satisfaction leads to complacency. But I think maybe if I acknowledge that I did my best but that I could also do better. Maybe I could start living instead of surviving. Maybe I could start setting goals and achieving goals. And maybe this is a more effective path to growth than constant self-criticism.

I’ve started to strive for this perspective this week, and I certainly hope it lasts. But habits are hard to change so if I slip up, I also pledge not to hate myself for it.

Don’t Wait to be Happy

Not too long ago, I found myself a complete and utter failure down in the depths of despair. Being abroad had done a number on my body and my soul. And, as I began looking for internships to apply to, I realized that my once flawless transcript had become something that I was less than proud to call mine. I found myself on a college campus with no idea who I was and beyond that, I was more or less utterly alone. To summarize, I was a self-pitying, depressed pile of poop.

Now because I was still on a positivity kick blah blahblah. Here’s what I told myself. In fact, this is what I wrote on tumblr:

I keep thinking that because i’m a failure today, i’m going to continue being a failure for the rest of my life. but then i remember how much has changed over the past year. How much i’ve changed. And i have a little sliver of hope, that maybe if i start changing things little by little in the right direction, in a year or two from now, i’ll be a completely different person. but this time it’ll be for the better. Who i am now isn’t who i’m going to be forever.

So basically, its okay to feel negatively about myself because one day, I’m not going to be this person anymore. And that’s the problem. Why wait for the future? I feel like we do so much of that. I will be happy when I get into college. I will be happy when I graduate and get a job. I will be happy when I lose 10 pounds. I will be happy when I get married and have children. I will be happy when I retire and have all the time in the world.

Looking back, I have rarely ever been satisfied or happy with where I was. Sometimes for a brief moment or two. Like the day I returned from Japan, proud of what I had accomplished and delighted to finally have a bed and my own room and functional legs. But this satisfaction never lasts. I am always left wanting more.

But I have discovered that there can be positivity in every moment, but sometimes it is harder to find than others. Take right now for instance. I wouldn’t say my life is particularly in order. And if asked, I could list infinite things that I are horrible right now. I feel more alone now than I’ve ever been before, but its also hard to say for certain. It’s easy to be negative, to pinpoint things that you wish could improve even if you believe that they will. But that doesn’t really do any good. Instead, I choose to breathe, take my stress in stride, be proud who I am. It doesn’t mean I can’t look to the future. It just means that I can also look to the now and be happy with where I am on my journey.

I’m writing this because I often see posts where people talk about how their lives are going fantastically now: they are married, expecting their first child, and have their dream job, when only five years ago, they were severely depressed and self-harming. And these posts are wonderful no doubt, they give people hope, hope to keep living because of the prospect of such a future. But it doesn’t address the depression that people are in now. The depression that sucks someone in because their life actually is in shambles, because they feel alone and abandoned and like a complete failure. And I wish someone had told me that none of these things make you a failure. That everybody experiences these feelings no matter how complete they look on the outside. And that you don’t have to wait for things on the outside to get better in order to be happy on the inside. Because these things do not make a person a failure, it makes them human, a little too human.

I know this isn’t really a complete thought because I’m still learning myself how to be happy with who I am right now. But its just a thought. Yes, things will get better. But that doesn’t mean that things right now are bad. You are not a failure. You are a success for living and for being brave enough to keep going.

The Road Back Home

Wow. It’s been a month since I’ve reentered the real world now. Or maybe the real world is where I was before. It’s hard to say. I have a bed now, my own room, my laptop, my comfort foods, and lots and lots and lots of work. It was strange taking a break from Williams. I was anxious that when I got back, I wouldn’t be able to handle being back on campus. And in some ways I was right, but on the other hand, things aren’t going so badly.

I’ve started to notice things. Bits of consciousness and awareness here and there. It’s been helpful in a way. When I was gone, I spent a long time away from a lot of the worries that plagued me a year ago. Coming back to Williams, I found myself swarmed by little tiny worries and the first week was rough. But I’ve started to tackle them one by one and I’ve gained some confidence in myself.

That new year’s resolution? I’m not so far off. I’ve gotten at least 7 hours of sleep a night, I’ve started most of my work ahead of time, I’ve pushed myself to do things even though they made me anxious, but I’ve also taken time off just for myself. And now I actually look forward to going to class. That’s honestly never happened to me before. Writing this stuff down, I guess I could say I’m pretty proud of myself. Because it took a lot for me to get here. I’ve learned to appreciate simple things here because of how things were abroad. And my first few weeks back were excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t focus in class, I felt like a completely unaccomplished failure and I told myself that every day. I griped about the shitty circumstances of my life and cried every night.

I still have bad moments, at least once a day, particularly after the sun goes down. And of course I haven’t hit the bad part of the semester yet. The stormcloud is lying just ahead. But for now, I’m keeping busy, trying not to think to much, and staying positive.

Yeah, I guess that’s it.

What’s easy? What’s good?

So I’m back at college now. Back in the purple bubble where everything is familiar and safe and comfortable. And at the same time, scary and unknown. It’s hard settling in again, when everyone else has had half a year to adjust and you are dumped into the middle of it all and expected to join in as if nothing has changed.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about lately is reconciling this conflict between what’s easy for you and what’s good for you. There are simple things, staying in bed all day going out vs. and engaging with the day, getting drunk to forget about your problems or dealing with them head on. (Then again, maybe these aren’t so simple). Other things are a little more complicated, you could apply for that easy job or pursue that dream job, you can avoid the problems in a relationship or have the tough conversations. I think that life is full of tough choices like these. After all, kids are taught to literally study themselves to death so they can go to that top tier college and get that “successful” job.

Maybe I’m being negative, but it seems like its rarely the case that the easy things are the good things and these days, I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle that may or may not be worth it. When I arrived on campus, it first hit me that I’m going to be graduating next year and this sense of unaccomplishment has been following me like a lost puppy. This past week I’ve been dragging myself out of bed and throwing myself at clubs and professors and long-lost friends and I’m actually doing all my readings (which has never happened before)

It’s really hard. Sometimes it feels good, I get some short spurts of happiness. But mostly, its just really fucking hard. And I’m happiest (or at least most comfortable) when I’m lying in bed not doing these things. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be worth it in the future. I guess I’m a little tired of waiting for this so called reward.

But it’ll come. It has to. Otherwise what are we doing?

Let it all in

 

When hurt and pain approach us, our first instinct is to avoid it, to shove it somewhere deep and hidden where it can’t bother us. No one wants to feel these negative emotions, but they are such an important part of the experience of living.

I believe that those who experience the strongest emotions lead the fullest lives. Consider Van Gogh, Beethoven, Virginia Woolf, who accomplished so much not in spite of, but because of the pain that they experienced. I’m not saying that I envy that lifestyle nor that one ought to lead a life of negativity; however, there is a reason that emotions like these exist. Painful emotions help us explore parts of ourselves and to feel things more deeply than ever before. And when it is all over, we can experience and appreciate our positive emotions with the same ferocity.

One of my favorite articulations of this idea stems from a scene in Louie, a slightly dark comedy through which I have actually learned some fairly deep life lessons. After Louis’ love interest moves away, he is in a world of pain. His insightful neighbor remarks: “This is the good part. This is what you’ve been digging for this entire time. The bad part is when you don’t care about her. When you don’t care about anything. The bad part is coming so enjoy the heartbreak while you can.”

Don’t be afraid to embrace the pain. Don’t beat yourself up because you aren’t strong enough to block it out. Love yourself because you’re strong enough to take it in.

When I’m sad…

When I’m sad, I try to remember all the awesome experiences that still lie ahead of me. They might not last very long, they might just be one fleeting moment, but I take comfort in the fact that they are there, waiting for me to stumble on that moment. They are little presents waiting to be unwrapped. And I become the child waiting anxiously for Christmas Day.

Cherish The Good Times

 

I get really nostalgic at night. During that hour that I can’t fall asleep, my mind manages to cycle through every possible thought that will make me as sad as possible. It got me thinking Maybe, just maybe, life is designed to make us miserable. Personally, I have two sets of memories, the sad memories and the happy memories. (My neutral memories tend to end up not being that memorable for me). So I remember my sad memories, I think about how awful they made me feel and these emotions come rushing back, making me as miserable as ever. Then the happy memories start floating around. I think about how great they are. And then immediately, I become more depressed then ever, thinking Wow, the best moments of my life were right there. Now they’re over. Nothing like that will ever happen again.

When something like that happens, I get in my “stay in the present mindset”. People always tell you to live in the present right? Because its not worth it to dwell on the past or worry about the future. I try my best to shove down all those memories. I try to forget because it hurts too much to remember knowing that they’ll never be back. But as I was lying in bed last night trying to crush all these memories, I realized that it didn’t have to be that way. Honestly, life isn’t designed to make us miserable. I know it because there are so many positive people out there, people that have been through horrible experiences and manage to still keep their head held high.

And I thought. No, I’m going to cherish these happy memories. Because they’re mine and no one can take that away from me. And I feel like in that moment a weight was lifted. There’s no need to push away wonderful happy memories because its too painful to remember them. Instead, I’m going to tuck them away in that album in my brain. I’m no longer going to feel guilty for remembering something that made me happy. I’m going to take them out for walks in my mind and cherish the delightful emotions associated with them. I’m not gonna pretend that they weren’t great because they truly were. And so from now on, I’m going to focus on that. I’m going to be thankful for the fact that I was able to experience something so wonderful, I’m going to stop mourning their loss, I’m going to stop trying to recreate the memory because life doesn’t work that way. The best little surprises are the ones that you don’t expect. No matter how hard you try, you can’t capture the perfect view on your camera. You can’t replicate the scene. But you can seize the moment, pocket the happiness, and just be grateful.

10 Steps for Fighting Harmful Behaviors and Getting Over Addiction

It was such a simple move, but simply acknowledging my addiction has changed my personal outlook quite dramatically. It has helped me understand why I do some of the things I do and how to consciously make a decision to stop reverting to all these things that end up harming me in the end. Nevertheless, I am a plan it out kind of gal, and I feel like writing down a plan will make me more accountable to myself. So here are my 10 steps for fighting harmful behaviors and getting over addiction:

 

1. Pinpoint actions and behaviors that you turn to when you stressed, depressed, or in a generally negative state of mind.

2. Answer these questions: Does this make me feel better in the short term? Does it have harmful long-term consequences? Am I becoming dependent on this? Do I know how to cope with my stress without this? And finally, am I addicted?

3. Acknowledge the addiction and make a conscious decision to get over it.

4. Make a list of reasons why it is harmful. How is it affecting your life in a negative way? Reinforce your reasons for quitting so that when you start to relapse, you remember why you committed in the first place. Write these reasons down and keep them accessible.

5. Make a list of your triggers so you are aware of when you are most vulnerable and when it is most important to steer clear of your addiction.

6. Find a hobby, or a make list of activities to fill your time with instead. Personally, I am trying to start meditating more regularly. I’ve also been practicing piano much more, as creating music is something that builds my confidence and allows me to be comfortable with myself. Going for a walk or listening to music are also great activities. Something my therapist suggested, but I’ve only tried once is listening to an audiotape to keep thoughts from going astray.

7. Reward yourself! (Albeit not by giving in to your addiction) Treat yourself to a meal at your favorite restaurant or buy yourself something nice. Set personal goals for your addiction, be it number of days, weeks or months, and when you fulfill these goals, give yourself a little something.

8. Get in touch with your feelings. A large part of meditation is understanding your emotions and mental states. When you are sad, acknowledge your sadness and try to understand what it is that is making you feel this way. By becoming more aware of what is going on within you, these emotions have less control over your actions.

9. If you have a relapse, don’t give up. Acknowledge that relapse is natural and happens to the best of us. It is not a setback. It is simply a reminder of how difficult recovery is and how strong you are for having come this far. Keep chugging forward.

10. Celebrate yourself. Acknowledge the little victories. Did you get out of bed today? Did you smile at least once? Did you make someone else smile? Did you check off something on your neverending list of tasks? Did you fight off an urge? Did you remember to celebrate yourself?

Metta.