my fragile heart

So i’ve recently started dating seriously again, and i feel like i’ve put my heart through the wringer.

Not that I wasn’t dating before. But it was really easy to put up a wall. Because I was moving cities every couple of months. But more realistically, because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to handle being hurt.

I’m not sure why finding someone has become so important to me lately though. I guess I don’t really have anything better to worry about. Or in the list of casual life milestones, I feel like this is the next one I’m meant to “conquer”. (which is kind of the way my parents talk about it literally all the time) And it really doesn’t help that it feels like half my friends are getting married even though we’re only 24.

I do feel like I’m in a healthier place and that this is a good thing. For one, I’m less inclined to play around with other people because I know that I can’t literally just leave the country.

But I feel so vulnerable. It’s hard to care.

Most recently, I met someone that I fell unexpectedly hard for. And then I learned that they weren’t looking for the same things that I was. And now, everything just feels a little bit really fucking terrible. Because before that, I had honestly resigned myself to settling. Because who really finds their perfect person. But now…I have standards.

I think what scares me the most is now I have to plunge back into the world of dating. and tbh…mine through a lot of trash. and i still might end up right back here. And here just doesn’t feel very good right now.

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Letting go of the unattainable

I know that we’re all resigned to mediocrity, but every time I get feedback that I’m imperfect in some way or even simply not the best, there’s a feeling of discomfort. That I’m not enough. Even when it’s often time out of control.

And then when I am “the best”, there’s anxiety arising from the pressure to stay that way, and there’s a tinge of depression from wondering why it doesn’t feel as great as its supposed to. So in a sense, everything sucks all the time, and nothing is ever enough.

So I’ve decided to try and put this internal tiger mom away. If I can be the best at anything, it’s going to be at self-acceptance of my mediocrity and especially of my weaknesses. I’m not actually sure where to start. But I think that the beginning is to end the desire of things that I can’t control.

The two things that come to mind straightaway are my skin and my depression. Where I’ve started to realize is where a lot of my rage stems from. My inability to control my own body in areas when other people don’t have to. I actually lashed out at my parents earlier this year in a way that I probably shouldn’t have. Because I was pissed that I was born into a body that fights against me every single day. Because I’ve been on a regimen of medication my entire life to deal with a chronic disease that I could never fully control. Because my natural response to any tiny struggle in life is literally that I should just kill myself.

And then at work, I’m actually doing okay. A little better than okay. Idk probably because of this perpetual need to satisfy my internal insecurities. But even then, it’s not enough. Because I see people that are better than me and all I can hear is why are YOU not good enough? I think in some instances, it might be productive – to push yourself to grow and learn. But on the flip side, the negative effects on confidence and self-esteem and general happiness I don’t think have been doing wonders for my self-development.

I just feel that I’m not really living if every day is filled with negative emotions about parts of my life that I can’t control. And if only I can learn to accept my mediocrity, my health problems, my weaknesses, and continue to cherish life the rare few in life do, maybe I wouldn’t wake up wanting to die every day.

Hedging

As cliché as it is, I have no doubt in my mind that everyone will leave me. Maybe not intentionally, but life is impermanent and so are relationships.

I’ve been going on a string of meditation retreats lately. And I’ve been finding it really difficult to connect with myself. Not that it used to be easy, but I used to at least be able to feel things. And lately, I feel nothing. I can do the outward motions – I can laugh when something is funny – but it’s difficult to remember what pure joy feels like. I’ve also found myself distancing myself from my parents, from my friends.

I suppose I’ve taught myself to hedge. If I can’t feel at all, I can’t feel the bad things. If I don’t get close to anyone, when they leave me, it won’t hurt as much. But in the meantime, I’ve left myself only with emptiness, loneliness, and guilt. 

So I’ve committed to opening myself up to vulnerability. Not just the outward things. Somehow, I’ve always been comfortable with that. But the real fears that no one knows except me – that I’ll end up alone; that I’m just a last resort for friendship, but no one would actually spend time with me if they had other options; that if I recover from depression, I won’t like the person underneath and neither will anyone else; that I’ll die without having made a real impact on the world.

And I’m committing to admitting my true feelings for people to people. Because when other people share with me, 9/10, it actually brightens my day.

I’m sick of feeling empty.

Rediscovering Metta

When I first started this blog five years ago, I did it as a commitment to practice a little more lovingkindness – toward others, but mostly toward myself.

And through the years, I think I’ve lost sight of that path. Along the way, I decided that I wasn’t enough. In some instances, I was told by other people – repeatedly – that I wasn’t enough. But the point is, I decided that they were right. And it’s a long road back.

I’ve been told that I need to start writing again and evidently have a lot of pent up rage. Which isn’t wrong. I don’t know who exactly it’s directed at, but it’s problematic. Over the past two years, I haven’t had any time to think. Any little emotion that bubbled up, I just shoved back down. And now that I do have time to think, it’s all bubbling back up and I feel so incredibly lost.

What I do know is that I’m extremely discontent with who I am right now. I feel like I don’t deserve this life I have right now and I also feel like I’m constantly pretending to be someone that I’m not.

Everything hurts inside all the damn time and I don’t know how to let it out and I don’t know who would understand. I have this constant feeling that I’m not enough but I don’t know what I need to do to get there.

And to be honest, I don’t know how to let go of this version of myself – this stress-ridden, depressed version of myself – because if I let go of it, and I’m somehow still not enough, then there really is no hope left. I feel so horribly misunderstood by everyone – people who see this idealistic version of myself that doesn’t really exist. And it’s lonely. But I don’t know what to say to make them understand.

I guess the first step is to figure out what it is that would make me enough. I’m really lost out here though…

It’s different this time

Every other time things sucked because something happened. So i knew it was going to get better. And i wanted it to get better. So i fought for it to get better.

Things are really fucking great right now. But it feels like everything sucks. I’m not myself. It’s getting harder and harder to put on that fake smile in the office every day. And nobody gets it. I can’t possibly feel this way. It doesn’t make any sense. Because my life is supposed to be great. And i just don’t know how to appreciate it.

It doesn’t feel like things are going to get better. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to talk to anybody because there’s nothing anybody can say. I just want it to stop.

I’ve been working nonstop for the past 6 months and its been super painful but i’ve dealt with it because i thought things would be better when it was over. but i’m finally in a good situation with a relaxed work environment in an amazing city. and things are supposed to be good now things are supposed to be good.

but i still feel like shit every day and life seems so hopeless and i spend all my energy trying to convince myself that i’m supposed to be happy and i’m not. there just doesn’t seem to be a point because things don’t get better.

and i know how incredibly stupid and hurtful it would be to my family and my friends to do it and so i don’t think i would but i think about it all the time. it just hurts so much to be here.

maybe i’m not thinking straight but i thought things were better and they’re not and this time i don’t have an excuse this time it’s just me.

i don’t know who to talk to and no one deserves to have to deal with me. i don’t know what to do. it hurts so much right now.

ramblings

I meditated this morning for the first time in a couple months. It was such a weird feeling – I could suddenly feel all the anxiety and lumps of sadness I had shoved down deep. Not sure what that was about. I do know from my last rotation that I have to be careful not to shove my feelings down too deep. Because evidently that just causes physical symptoms. I need to remember to relax a little more and keep my life in perspective.

I wish my personality weren’t so all or nothing. I feel so deeply and that makes me want to not feel at all. There are a lot of moments when I do appreciate it, but in instances like this, it’s so draining.

Then again, I’m afraid that if I don’t throw all of myself into something, I’ll be left with regrets, for not putting in enough of myself. Past experiences I guess.

I’m grateful for this experience. I’m grateful for the past two years – the highs and lows. The people. No matter the outcome, I don’t regret this. And it has definitely prepared me for better things. I just have to keep that in perspective. And be gentle to myself.