The lies we tell ourselves

Every year at my annual checkup, my doctor asks if I’m depressed. It’s on that quick checklist of questions they have to ask.

Every year, I smile, maybe chuckle a bit, and respond “haha nope!” despite the suicide notes or cuts made that year. Honestly, I just didn’t want to deal with it. After all, I had gotten out of bed that day, I had made it to the doctor’s office, I was obviously okay. It wasn’t so much a lie to him as it was to myself.

I’ve started taking care of myself since then. I’ve talked to a therapist when I needed to, I acknowledge to myself when I need help, and I give myself a break when I need it (most of the time).

So this year at the doctor, I changed my answer. “Yeah, I’ve been struggling a bit.” And he responded, “Really? Are you sure? You don’t look depressed!””Haha yeah I guess I’m okay,” I said. I let it go. And I’ll probably never bring it up again.

And I think I am doing okay. I’m certainly doing much better than I was a few years ago, but this summer’s been tough on me. After receiving bad news from the doctor, my grandmother passed within a matter of weeks. My dad’s health has also been deteriorating lately. All of this has taken a serious toll on my mother. So I think I”m okay because I have to be okay. And because I’m working forty hours a week and I don’t have time to… think.

I honestly think I’m just holding out till I leave for Japan and hoping to god that it’ll fix me. Because I’m starting to crack at the edges. But hey, I guess I’ll just tape myself back together and keep going because after all “I don’t look depressed”. I must be okay.


Better late than never

I can’t believe it took me this long to put into words, but I finally figured out what was bothering me. You treated me like glass. You cherished me. You took care of me. For some reason, you thought that was what I wanted. So you didn’t treat me like a human. Maybe you thought I couldn’t handle the truth. Maybe you thought if you kept me shiny and polished, nothing could ever go wrong. But when you finally decided it was all too much for you, you shattered me.

When it hurts

When sadness overwhelms you like a thick cloud that looms over you and follows you wherever you go so that you can literally feel your heart break apart and you remember everything that has ever hurt you or made you cry or torn you down and it crushes you and takes over your mind so that you can’t remember why you were ever happy or what it feels like to not be sad and your whole body cries and you try and try to make it stop to turn it around but its so hard and you’re so tired from fighting all the goddam time struggling to keep your head above water but never quite long enough to enjoy the view and you just want the world to stop moving for just a second so you can take a break but you know that life doesn’t work that way.