Reminders for Me

Wrote this a while back. Reminders for the bad days and the good…

1. Things won’t always be this way. If you put in a little bit of work each day, things will get better. Doing that one little thing each day that’s a challenge for you will go a long way, but know that it will take time. Nothing is instantaneous.

2. Don’t worry about things you can’t control. Focus on doing what you can do in the moment. That’s how you get where you’re going. Things happen. They aren’t your fault. They’re part of circumstance, or fate, and bad things happen to everyone. Don’t look back, look to the now.

3. Don’t compare yourself to anybody else. Anyone else at all. You don’t know who they are, or what they’ve been through. Misery loves company, but looking around doesn’t help you at all. Nobody has a perfect life, no matter what it looks like. But you can’t understand or see someone else’s pain.

4. Things move up and down. Remember that. Having a good day? Take it all in. Having a bad day? Know that that’s all it is. A bad day. And when that happens, take every chance you get to start over. There’s no reason your day has to stay bad.

5. Don’t give up. Don’t give up for that day in the future when you can look back and see what you’ve become, but always remember what it took to get there.

6. No one has a perfect life, but the people who are truly happy being themselves? It wasn’t an easy journey getting there. Happiness isn’t a matter or whose life is better. It’s dependent on perspective and outlook. The hurt that you are experiencing now? It’s all part of your journey in getting there. Don’t ever think that its a waste of life. Nothing is a waste of life. Everything leads you somewhere, and wherever you are, its where you are supposed to be.

7. Always be appreciative of yourself and the things that are going well for you. Its easy to be dismissive, to focus on the negative because they seem so horrible, but give yourself credit, affirm yourself. That’s worth more than anything else in the world.

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People Change

People don’t wait for you. That’s sorta how it works. I came back to campus hoping that things would be the same, but deep down, I knew that they wouldn’t be. The friends that I had considered family before, I don’t think I know them anymore, and I don’t think they know me. It’s okay. I think I would be sad if I had time to think about it. But then again, I have thought about it, and it’s okay.

In the eight months that I was away from campus, my friends grew and changed. And I did too. It’s hard to be close to people you don’t even know anymore. A few weeks ago, I got some really good news, and I didn’t have any friends on campus that I really wanted to tell. I didn’t feel like anybody would really care. And the one thing that really sucks is I feel like I’m starting college over again this semester, the spring of my junior year. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I stayed on campus though, and I think things would have been worse. Because in the time that I spent away, I discovered that I didn’t really like who I was and where I was going. So maybe a fresh start isn’t so bad.

That place that I was trying to get to before, where I can just be happy being me? I’m closer now than I’ve ever been before. I’ve been working hard to get my academics back on track, and I think its paying off. I’ve been paying close attention to the needs of my body, and for the first time since I got to college, I’ve never slept through a single class. I’ve even found a few strands of white hair that are turning black at the roots again. Being gluten free sucks, but its made some really good things happen. And I’m starting to realize the people are who truly care about me and who I’m happy spending time with. I still have sad moments each day. But who doesn’t really.

The Road Back Home

Wow. It’s been a month since I’ve reentered the real world now. Or maybe the real world is where I was before. It’s hard to say. I have a bed now, my own room, my laptop, my comfort foods, and lots and lots and lots of work. It was strange taking a break from Williams. I was anxious that when I got back, I wouldn’t be able to handle being back on campus. And in some ways I was right, but on the other hand, things aren’t going so badly.

I’ve started to notice things. Bits of consciousness and awareness here and there. It’s been helpful in a way. When I was gone, I spent a long time away from a lot of the worries that plagued me a year ago. Coming back to Williams, I found myself swarmed by little tiny worries and the first week was rough. But I’ve started to tackle them one by one and I’ve gained some confidence in myself.

That new year’s resolution? I’m not so far off. I’ve gotten at least 7 hours of sleep a night, I’ve started most of my work ahead of time, I’ve pushed myself to do things even though they made me anxious, but I’ve also taken time off just for myself. And now I actually look forward to going to class. That’s honestly never happened to me before. Writing this stuff down, I guess I could say I’m pretty proud of myself. Because it took a lot for me to get here. I’ve learned to appreciate simple things here because of how things were abroad. And my first few weeks back were excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t focus in class, I felt like a completely unaccomplished failure and I told myself that every day. I griped about the shitty circumstances of my life and cried every night.

I still have bad moments, at least once a day, particularly after the sun goes down. And of course I haven’t hit the bad part of the semester yet. The stormcloud is lying just ahead. But for now, I’m keeping busy, trying not to think to much, and staying positive.

Yeah, I guess that’s it.