I had a dream about you last night

I miss it when you would hold my hand and take me to the river and sing
when you would make me dumplings when i was sick and mix the sauce perfectly
when you would tell me i was beautiful every day all those years i felt like a hot mess
when you would knock on my door and try to comfort me when i was angry
when i watched a scary movie at night and you let me crawl into bed with you
when you would listen to me play piano and you would sing with me.

I still remember when i would call out to you every time i came home
when you taught me to sing all those japanese songs
when you would spend my competition days praying for me for hours
when you would cut my hair with all the precision that you had
when you would walk with me to dunkin donuts so we could get exactly what i wanted.

I can still hear your footsteps walking around downstairs as i do my homework in my room
and see your beautiful smile the last time i wheeled you outside and we watched the sunset.

I wish i had done a better job of showing you how much i love you,
and i wish you had been here for my birthday this year.

But i know we will meet again. I love you.

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Thoughts…

I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve had a lot of thoughts, but I haven’t written. So I guess this is my stream of consciousness.

A year ago, I was not in a good place. I was filled with anxiety, self-hatred, guilt, restlessness, negativity. My memories are vivid because you remember things most clearly when they are very good or very bad and this was the latter. And things only went downhill from this time. 2014 was not my year.

I stumbled onto this internship by accident. It happened in a time when things had started to turn, but I didn’t believe in anything, I didn’t trust. Not in myself and not in that mysterious force that I somehow always believed made things happen for a reason.

Things happen for a reason. This internship was a blessing that I never knew I needed. Being here. I didn’t think I would like it. I really didn’t think I would like it. My experience isn’t even half over, but I have learned more in the past four weeks than I probably have over the past year. About myself. I’ve gained a sense of confidence and self-respect that I never had before. And I’ve realized what has held me back.

There are still things that I need to work on… But I am learning to be patient with myself. If I can’t hold back the critical thoughts, I can at least acknowledge that they are critical thoughts and work on a way to make them less internally harmful. My thoughts aren’t gathered. They will be. I feel good. It’s a new kind of good. The kind that isn’t artificial. I’m not afraid that its going to leave, but I know where it comes from and I know that it comes from myself.

But I know its important to watch out, because I know that in a way, this happiness is logic derived. And sometimes, when other things take over, its hard to be logical.

My thoughts are clumsy and disorganized right now. Its good. Managing uncertainty is one of my focuses right now. Doing things that have no planning, no purpose, no structure. Just thoughts – unedited.