So it’s finally over…and I didn’t win. Like yeah, I’m a little sad because I worked really hard and invested a lot of energy into this. But so did everyone else. I’m glad its over. I’m glad that I put in the effort and got to a place that I’m proud of. That I recovered from the debacle that was one first two years at college. That I competed gracefully and didn’t let this consume my life the way it has in the past.
Because now I enjoy it.
I’ve also found myself surrounded by love and support over the past few weeks. Just when I thought I had lost hope in people. I guess when I think back, this competition has brought me a lot of good. Sure, its brought me stress and taken up a lot of time. But I learned to believe in myself again. I got my passion back. And I’ve learned a lot about losing.
In the end, growth can come from the unexpected I guess.
I don’t know when in my life I somehow convinced myself that I wasn’t worth it. That I would never amount to anything. That I didn’t deserve anything. So I stopped trying, doing the things I loved, striving, being who I was. I guess it was fear of inevitable failure. I’m not exactly sure what led to this. I mean I have a vague idea, but it wasn’t one thing in particular. And anyway, it doesn’t really matter.
I’ve turned a corner recently. Actually it was a really long corner. Razor sharp edges. But somehow I made it. I began to realize that this life was mine to live and striving for failure is inevitable. It is a rarity in life to be the best at something or to be perfect or to be the person that you want to be. But being able to experience and grow and change, that is living.
Life is shaped by those tiny glimmering moments, when a smile creeps up your lips unexpectedly. When you feel that little flutter in your gut and that warm glow in your chest. It’s the anticipation in your beating heart before you do something exciting or nerve-wracking. Life is sitting down with a cup of tea after a long day’s work and being proud that you went out and did it. Or spending the day in bed curled up in a blanket because its your life and fuck it.
I think I spent a lot of my life changing myself to be someone I thought I wanted to be. Trying to find a sense of belonging and self-worth. Maybe it was there all along. Because I’ve never been happier. I’m working hard, doing the things I love, and soaking up the moments.
I guess I’m writing now because I’m heading into a semester full of unknowns. Things that could go fantastically or horribly wrong. I’m taking a risk and doing something that tore me apart physically and mentally years ago. I’m afraid, but I hope that this time, I’ll be able to face everything gracefully, with my head held high, just there to enjoy the moments. But who knows…