I meditated this morning for the first time in a couple months. It was such a weird feeling – I could suddenly feel all the anxiety and lumps of sadness I had shoved down deep. Not sure what that was about. I do know from my last rotation that I have to be careful not to shove my feelings down too deep. Because evidently that just causes physical symptoms. I need to remember to relax a little more and keep my life in perspective.

I wish my personality weren’t so all or nothing. I feel so deeply and that makes me want to not feel at all. There are a lot of moments when I do appreciate it, but in instances like this, it’s so draining.

Then again, I’m afraid that if I don’t throw all of myself into something, I’ll be left with regrets, for not putting in enough of myself. Past experiences I guess.

I’m grateful for this experience. I’m grateful for the past two years – the highs and lows. The people. No matter the outcome, I don’t regret this. And it has definitely prepared me for better things. I just have to keep that in perspective. And be gentle to myself.


3 thoughts on “ramblings

  1. As somebody who also feels very deeply and has thrown myself fully into everything I do – I can relate to what you’re feeling.

    Remember that everything you feel – the sadness and all emotions – are your body and mind’s way of healing and coping with the stresses of your life and there is always some reason for it. There’s nothing weak with expressing those emotions and letting them be more on the surface level.

    As you continue to mediate and push yourself into your life, just remember to practice intentional self-care. Those that feel more towards the world (which it’s clear from your past posts) tend to need it the most.

    Keep up the journey!

      • Just remember to not always be so hard on yourself. I know what the pressures of high expectations you heap upon yourself can do – you are clearly driven, intelligent, and have a high degree of self awareness. You will get to where you want to be in your life.

        Spend time connecting with people and a community – there’s a tendency when you’re so driven to be stuck in your own headspace. Looking back at the time in my life that was quite stressful, I recall the importance of having my friends at the time to remind me of my good qualities. These were the most meaningful memories.

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