I meditated this morning for the first time in a couple months. It was such a weird feeling – I could suddenly feel all the anxiety and lumps of sadness I had shoved down deep. Not sure what that was about. I do know from my last rotation that I have to be careful not to shove my feelings down too deep. Because evidently that just causes physical symptoms. I need to remember to relax a little more and keep my life in perspective.
I wish my personality weren’t so all or nothing. I feel so deeply and that makes me want to not feel at all. There are a lot of moments when I do appreciate it, but in instances like this, it’s so draining.
Then again, I’m afraid that if I don’t throw all of myself into something, I’ll be left with regrets, for not putting in enough of myself. Past experiences I guess.
I’m grateful for this experience. I’m grateful for the past two years – the highs and lows. The people. No matter the outcome, I don’t regret this. And it has definitely prepared me for better things. I just have to keep that in perspective. And be gentle to myself.