When it hurts

When sadness overwhelms you like a thick cloud that looms over you and follows you wherever you go so that you can literally feel your heart break apart and you remember everything that has ever hurt you or made you cry or torn you down and it crushes you and takes over your mind so that you can’t remember why you were ever happy or what it feels like to not be sad and your whole body cries and you try and try to make it stop to turn it around but its so hard and you’re so tired from fighting all the goddam time struggling to keep your head above water but never quite long enough to enjoy the view and you just want the world to stop moving for just a second so you can take a break but you know that life doesn’t work that way.

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I thought I was doing better

But the emptiness is returning. My thoughts are so jumbled and anxious and obsessive. I can’t. I spend the entire day wishing I could go to sleep, and I spend my nights lying awake. My dreams. I can’t. I’m trying to get a grip on things but its only making things worse. Hopefully its just a passing phase. Time to go back to step one.

I remember those days

I remember those days. When I didn’t know what pain was. Or sorrow. When my only worries were deciding what outfit to wear, or trying to pluck out my next baby tooth. How did I come this far? When did I grow up?

What happened to that shy little girl with the neverending smile? The one that spent her days jumping rope and singing without a care in the world. The one who never doubted how much she loved being alive.

I miss her.

Anxiety

A cloud of darkness and fear
fog up a life that could have been
leaving you a shell of yourself
always wondering when the next wave of panic will strike.

Thoughts race and your body shakes
and you hate your mind
for not knowing when to stop.

When fear strikes
your chest is tight
your lungs are on fire
your heart is ready to explode
your head is spinning
your world has gone black.

All that is left is fear.

Fear of the death that seems so near.

When it ends, you are left only with hate
for the mind and the body
that you cannot control
looking for something or someone to blame
but finding nothing except yourself.

And still you search
for that light at the end of the tunnel.

I promise it is there.

It’s Okay.

It’s okay to feel
To cry when it hurts too much
To scream when your heart feels ready to burst
Or to just sit.
Quietly.

It’s okay to take that wall down
That wall with all those holes
Even though you’re the only one that can see them
And you wish that if only you ignored them long enough
They would just magically disappear.

It’s okay if sometimes the world feels like too much
And you just can’t hold it back anymore
And you have to let go.

It’s okay.

Take your time.
Everything will still be waiting for you when you’re ready to come back
Even if it takes a day.

A week.

A month.

A year.

Your life belongs to you.
You alone define your happiness.
So don’t be afraid to love yourself.

And it’s always okay to not be okay.

You are…

8 Mind of an Indigo Scribe

You are too beautiful and talented to hide yourself from the world
Allow yourself to blossom; unfold and allow yourself to be open
You are a luscious flower awakening after a long winter’s hibernation
You are as deep as an ocean; allow yourself to flow
You were once hidden like stars in the night sky suffocating from thick and wide clouds
You are now shining brightly as the Sun; lending a loving hand for others to ascend from hibernation
Your journey has not been easy but you’ve enjoyed many peaceful moments along the way
You kept going even when you were uncomfortable and felt like giving up; rewards are in progress
Your strength is profound; your will impenetrable
Your worth is immeasurable; your purpose vital touching lives of those who need to know they are not alone
Your words are kind and compassionate
Your intentions and actions are loving and…

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