It’s different this time

Every other time things sucked because something happened. So i knew it was going to get better. And i wanted it to get better. So i fought for it to get better.

Things are really fucking great right now. But it feels like everything sucks. I’m not myself. It’s getting harder and harder to put on that fake smile in the office every day. And nobody gets it. I can’t possibly feel this way. It doesn’t make any sense. Because my life is supposed to be great. And i just don’t know how to appreciate it.

It doesn’t feel like things are going to get better. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to talk to anybody because there’s nothing anybody can say. I just want it to stop.

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I’ve been working nonstop for the past 6 months and its been super painful but i’ve dealt with it because i thought things would be better when it was over. but i’m finally in a good situation with a relaxed work environment in an amazing city. and things are supposed to be good now things are supposed to be good.

but i still feel like shit every day and life seems so hopeless and i spend all my energy trying to convince myself that i’m supposed to be happy and i’m not. there just doesn’t seem to be a point because things don’t get better.

and i know how incredibly stupid and hurtful it would be to my family and my friends to do it and so i don’t think i would but i think about it all the time. it just hurts so much to be here.

maybe i’m not thinking straight but i thought things were better and they’re not and this time i don’t have an excuse this time it’s just me.

i don’t know who to talk to and no one deserves to have to deal with me. i don’t know what to do. it hurts so much right now.

Brainstorm

I’m hitting a writer’s block and I feel like its because I haven’t written in a while. Well I have, but I’ve sorta kept it to myself. I guess I’ve been using it as a means to get really horrible thoughts out of my head and it more or less cleanses for me for like the next 15 days. I’m getting kind of emotional today. Well, I guess as emotional as I can get, which is me sitting here expressionless whispering: “get it together, maggie. don’t let any of your feelings leak out.” I guess i feel like if something were to slip out, it would all come flooding out and then I’d have a goddam mess on my hands. no, this is easier. i’m content. i’m safe. i’m happy. what more can i ask for. how can i be satisfied, but dissatisfied? why do i feel like everything i say is half a lie? i’m genuinely happy, but i also feel like there’s something unexplainable inside. waiting to pounce right when i least expect it. whatever. i’m feeling kind of annoyed and invalidated right now. but who the fuck really cares how i feel? wait, that actually explains a lot…

How I fell in love with music

It happened slowly at first and then all at once.

We started as friends and I’ll be honest, it was rough at first. We fought. A lot. Sometimes it got so bad, we had to take some time off. I guess growing up competing, practicing hours on end took a toll on me. But in the end, I always came back.

And then I fell. Hard. When I couldn’t breathe, when I found myself drowning, it saved me, each and every time.

A panic attack. Henselt’s If I Were a Bird and Schubert’s Impromptu in F Minor

Lacking Inspiration. Liszt’s Sonata in B Minor and Hungarian Rhapsody No. 6

Depression. Brahms’ Rhapsodies in B Minor and G Minor

All the concertos for the papers that I just couldn’t get done.
Rachmaninoff’s Concerto No. 2 in C Minor
Brahms’ Concerto No. 2 in B Flat Major
Chopin’s Concerto No. 1 in E Minor
Tchaikovsky’s Concerto No. 1 in B Flat Minor

I could go on and on about how music has saved me. And not just classical. But all of it. Passenger, Coldplay, Kodaline, Sia, Grateful Dead, and so on…

I believe that music is the expression of something that can’t be spoken in words. And when I play a piece on the piano, or hear it somewhere, I become immersed in a world that’s safe, where I am understood. I feel the pain, the raw emotion in every single note, those same feelings I have that I can’t describe in words. And I know that I am no longer alone. It’s better than watching a movie, or even reading a book. It’s an entire world that can’t be explained in the human language, that can’t be stolen or invaded or ruined because its meaning exists within yourself. Everytime you close your eyes, open your mind, and listen.