I’m hitting a writer’s block and I feel like its because I haven’t written in a while. Well I have, but I’ve sorta kept it to myself. I guess I’ve been using it as a means to get really horrible thoughts out of my head and it more or less cleanses for me for like the next 15 days. I’m getting kind of emotional today. Well, I guess as emotional as I can get, which is me sitting here expressionless whispering: “get it together, maggie. don’t let any of your feelings leak out.” I guess i feel like if something were to slip out, it would all come flooding out and then I’d have a goddam mess on my hands. no, this is easier. i’m content. i’m safe. i’m happy. what more can i ask for. how can i be satisfied, but dissatisfied? why do i feel like everything i say is half a lie? i’m genuinely happy, but i also feel like there’s something unexplainable inside. waiting to pounce right when i least expect it. whatever. i’m feeling kind of annoyed and invalidated right now. but who the fuck really cares how i feel? wait, that actually explains a lot…
It happened slowly at first and then all at once.
We started as friends and I’ll be honest, it was rough at first. We fought. A lot. Sometimes it got so bad, we had to take some time off. I guess growing up competing, practicing hours on end took a toll on me. But in the end, I always came back.
And then I fell. Hard. When I couldn’t breathe, when I found myself drowning, it saved me, each and every time.
All the concertos for the papers that I just couldn’t get done.
Rachmaninoff’s Concerto No. 2 in C Minor
Brahms’ Concerto No. 2 in B Flat Major
Chopin’s Concerto No. 1 in E Minor
Tchaikovsky’s Concerto No. 1 in B Flat Minor
I could go on and on about how music has saved me. And not just classical. But all of it. Passenger, Coldplay, Kodaline, Sia, Grateful Dead, and so on…
I believe that music is the expression of something that can’t be spoken in words. And when I play a piece on the piano, or hear it somewhere, I become immersed in a world that’s safe, where I am understood. I feel the pain, the raw emotion in every single note, those same feelings I have that I can’t describe in words. And I know that I am no longer alone. It’s better than watching a movie, or even reading a book. It’s an entire world that can’t be explained in the human language, that can’t be stolen or invaded or ruined because its meaning exists within yourself. Everytime you close your eyes, open your mind, and listen.