I know that we’re all resigned to mediocrity, but every time I get feedback that I’m imperfect in some way or even simply not the best, there’s a feeling of discomfort. That I’m not enough. Even when it’s often time out of control.
And then when I am “the best”, there’s anxiety arising from the pressure to stay that way, and there’s a tinge of depression from wondering why it doesn’t feel as great as its supposed to. So in a sense, everything sucks all the time, and nothing is ever enough.
So I’ve decided to try and put this internal tiger mom away. If I can be the best at anything, it’s going to be at self-acceptance of my mediocrity and especially of my weaknesses. I’m not actually sure where to start. But I think that the beginning is to end the desire of things that I can’t control.
The two things that come to mind straightaway are my skin and my depression. Where I’ve started to realize is where a lot of my rage stems from. My inability to control my own body in areas when other people don’t have to. I actually lashed out at my parents earlier this year in a way that I probably shouldn’t have. Because I was pissed that I was born into a body that fights against me every single day. Because I’ve been on a regimen of medication my entire life to deal with a chronic disease that I could never fully control. Because my natural response to any tiny struggle in life is literally that I should just kill myself.
And then at work, I’m actually doing okay. A little better than okay. Idk probably because of this perpetual need to satisfy my internal insecurities. But even then, it’s not enough. Because I see people that are better than me and all I can hear is why are YOU not good enough? I think in some instances, it might be productive – to push yourself to grow and learn. But on the flip side, the negative effects on confidence and self-esteem and general happiness I don’t think have been doing wonders for my self-development.
I just feel that I’m not really living if every day is filled with negative emotions about parts of my life that I can’t control. And if only I can learn to accept my mediocrity, my health problems, my weaknesses, and continue to cherish life the rare few in life do, maybe I wouldn’t wake up wanting to die every day.