that sinking feeling

Every second of every day, I feel like I’m drowning. Like my heart’s about to burst and nothing I can do is gonna stop it. And all I can do is cry when I’m alone and put on a smile, patch myself up, and hope that as little as possible of me seeps out.

I wish that I were stronger. That I could handle life like an adult. That I could feel that warm glow from deep inside knowing that everything’s gonna be alright. I can’t i can’t i can’t. I can’t breathe anymore. And I think that just one more little nudge would send me tumbling.

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Reminders for Me

Wrote this a while back. Reminders for the bad days and the good…

1. Things won’t always be this way. If you put in a little bit of work each day, things will get better. Doing that one little thing each day that’s a challenge for you will go a long way, but know that it will take time. Nothing is instantaneous.

2. Don’t worry about things you can’t control. Focus on doing what you can do in the moment. That’s how you get where you’re going. Things happen. They aren’t your fault. They’re part of circumstance, or fate, and bad things happen to everyone. Don’t look back, look to the now.

3. Don’t compare yourself to anybody else. Anyone else at all. You don’t know who they are, or what they’ve been through. Misery loves company, but looking around doesn’t help you at all. Nobody has a perfect life, no matter what it looks like. But you can’t understand or see someone else’s pain.

4. Things move up and down. Remember that. Having a good day? Take it all in. Having a bad day? Know that that’s all it is. A bad day. And when that happens, take every chance you get to start over. There’s no reason your day has to stay bad.

5. Don’t give up. Don’t give up for that day in the future when you can look back and see what you’ve become, but always remember what it took to get there.

6. No one has a perfect life, but the people who are truly happy being themselves? It wasn’t an easy journey getting there. Happiness isn’t a matter or whose life is better. It’s dependent on perspective and outlook. The hurt that you are experiencing now? It’s all part of your journey in getting there. Don’t ever think that its a waste of life. Nothing is a waste of life. Everything leads you somewhere, and wherever you are, its where you are supposed to be.

7. Always be appreciative of yourself and the things that are going well for you. Its easy to be dismissive, to focus on the negative because they seem so horrible, but give yourself credit, affirm yourself. That’s worth more than anything else in the world.

When you feel like giving up

When the world seems like its crushing you into tiny bits and bits. When you don’t have the will to get up in the morning. When everything hurts. When you’re alone. When you forget what it feels like to not feel like this. When its too hard just to exist. When you feel like giving up…

Remember how strong you are. How hard you’ve fought to get to where you are now. Remember that each challenge you’ve overcome makes you that much stronger. Smile because you’ve made it through another day. Remember that it won’t always be this way. Know that there is happiness waiting in your future.

Think about how great it is to feel the sunlight on your face. To close your eyes and listen to your favorite song. To have a heartfelt conversation with someone who understands you. To be given a tight warm hug. To lie naked in bed snuggled under the sheets. To sit at home and listen to the rain patter on the window. To go on a long walk to nowhere. To remember that you’ve made it through another day.

Smile. Breathe. Know that everything is okay. Because you’re here right now. This is your life. The possibilities are endless.

When you feel like giving up.

Don’t.

The lies we tell ourselves

Every year at my annual checkup, my doctor asks if I’m depressed. It’s on that quick checklist of questions they have to ask.

Every year, I smile, maybe chuckle a bit, and respond “haha nope!” despite the suicide notes or cuts made that year. Honestly, I just didn’t want to deal with it. After all, I had gotten out of bed that day, I had made it to the doctor’s office, I was obviously okay. It wasn’t so much a lie to him as it was to myself.

I’ve started taking care of myself since then. I’ve talked to a therapist when I needed to, I acknowledge to myself when I need help, and I give myself a break when I need it (most of the time).

So this year at the doctor, I changed my answer. “Yeah, I’ve been struggling a bit.” And he responded, “Really? Are you sure? You don’t look depressed!””Haha yeah I guess I’m okay,” I said. I let it go. And I’ll probably never bring it up again.

And I think I am doing okay. I’m certainly doing much better than I was a few years ago, but this summer’s been tough on me. After receiving bad news from the doctor, my grandmother passed within a matter of weeks. My dad’s health has also been deteriorating lately. All of this has taken a serious toll on my mother. So I think I”m okay because I have to be okay. And because I’m working forty hours a week and I don’t have time to… think.

I honestly think I’m just holding out till I leave for Japan and hoping to god that it’ll fix me. Because I’m starting to crack at the edges. But hey, I guess I’ll just tape myself back together and keep going because after all “I don’t look depressed”. I must be okay.