Graduation

I graduated college today. I always knew this day would come, I’ve been privileged enough to never doubt that I would in fact graduate, but I don’t feel prepared. I’m just not ready to let go.

It’s something entirely different to have spent the past four years encased in a tiny little bubble, with endless resources at my fingertips, with the knowledge that if I fell, someone would catch me. And during my time at Williams, this has all held true. It’s not that I didn’t struggle at all. Over these past four years, I have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life. Those true picture perfect moments you find in movies where you just can’t help but smile and feel content. But I’ve also experienced my darkest moments, some really horrifying experiences. And at points, I just didn’t know if it would make it through.

But I don’t regret any of it. Williams has given me what I needed, and in a way, I do know that it’s time to leave. It’s taught me that it’s good to struggle, to fall. Because you learn to pick yourself up. And contrary to what I said before, it taught me how to do all this independently. I’m proud of the fact that over the years, I’ve grown from being dependent on others to learning how to take care of myself. I’ve learned to spend time with myself without panicking about being alone and I’ve learned to cherish this time. Williams has profoundly changed me and helped my become a better version of myself, one that sometimes I am proud of. I still have a lot to learn and develop, but I don’t know how much more I could have done at college. I know it’s time to leave.

But there’s this bubble in my chest. I don’t know what it is. Probably a combination of fear, doubt, anxiety, and just plain terror. I finally figured out how to do it. And now it’s being taken away. Now I have to go do something new. The friends that I spent four years developing relationships with will no longer be at a moment’s reach. My actions will have consequences beyond bad grades. The things that I do will be real, and I will be entirely responsible for them.

And what if I can’t do it? What if I enter the world and find that I’m simply not good enough. That I simply can’t do the things I always dreamed of. That my future isn’t the way I planned it to be (because I know it never is). I know that challenges lie ahead of me and that they must because success doesn’t come without struggle. But I just want it to be easy. Or what if I’ve left my best years behind me? Whatever rickety mess this was? What if I didn’t appreciate it enough? What if I could have done it better?

I guess this is just a record of the jumbled mess my brain is right now. This entire day, I’ve been trying to remind myself to look forward to challenges, to smile when they fall upon me, and to react with poise. But I also just want to cry like a mf baby. And like I need some calm adult to talk me down because I know that everyone feels this way right now, and everyone gets through it.

I hope that one day I can look back on this post and smile with the knowledge that everything turned out okay. I just needed to let it out.

I remember those days

I remember those days. When I didn’t know what pain was. Or sorrow. When my only worries were deciding what outfit to wear, or trying to pluck out my next baby tooth. How did I come this far? When did I grow up?

What happened to that shy little girl with the neverending smile? The one that spent her days jumping rope and singing without a care in the world. The one who never doubted how much she loved being alive.

I miss her.

Cherish The Good Times

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I get really nostalgic at night. During that hour that I can’t fall asleep, my mind manages to cycle through every possible thought that will make me as sad as possible. It got me thinking Maybe, just maybe, life is designed to make us miserable. Personally, I have two sets of memories, the sad memories and the happy memories. (My neutral memories tend to end up not being that memorable for me). So I remember my sad memories, I think about how awful they made me feel and these emotions come rushing back, making me as miserable as ever. Then the happy memories start floating around. I think about how great they are. And then immediately, I become more depressed then ever, thinking Wow, the best moments of my life were right there. Now they’re over. Nothing like that will ever happen again.

When something like that happens, I get in my “stay in the present mindset”. People always tell you to live in the present right? Because its not worth it to dwell on the past or worry about the future. I try my best to shove down all those memories. I try to forget because it hurts too much to remember knowing that they’ll never be back. But as I was lying in bed last night trying to crush all these memories, I realized that it didn’t have to be that way. Honestly, life isn’t designed to make us miserable. I know it because there are so many positive people out there, people that have been through horrible experiences and manage to still keep their head held high.

And I thought. No, I’m going to cherish these happy memories. Because they’re mine and no one can take that away from me. And I feel like in that moment a weight was lifted. There’s no need to push away wonderful happy memories because its too painful to remember them. Instead, I’m going to tuck them away in that album in my brain. I’m no longer going to feel guilty for remembering something that made me happy. I’m going to take them out for walks in my mind and cherish the delightful emotions associated with them. I’m not gonna pretend that they weren’t great because they truly were. And so from now on, I’m going to focus on that. I’m going to be thankful for the fact that I was able to experience something so wonderful, I’m going to stop mourning their loss, I’m going to stop trying to recreate the memory because life doesn’t work that way. The best little surprises are the ones that you don’t expect. No matter how hard you try, you can’t capture the perfect view on your camera. You can’t replicate the scene. But you can seize the moment, pocket the happiness, and just be grateful.