Computers and internet are great inventions. Anything and everything can be answered with the click of a button. But there are tradeoffs. Nowadays, I can’t go anywhere without my phone. I can’t qualify it, but it just feels like I’d be missing out on something, a text, a phone call, not being able to immediately look up a piece of information (although how important could that really be anyway?).
Before arriving in Japan, we were told that there wouldn’t be wifi at the place where we were staying and honestly, I was quite relieved. Here was a place where I would be forced to be alone or at least alone with the people around me. Turns out, we do have wifi here. It was exciting at first, to be able to call my parents if I needed to, to connect with the outside world, to be able to blog even. Obviously it was convenient to be able to take care of some of the work that I needed to deal with as well.
But… social media. I honestly feel obligated to keep up with the workings of the outside world. To connect with people so that when I return to real life, I’ll still have some friends left. But there are so many problems with social media. Of course there have been studies that being on Facebook actually makes you an unhappier person. People post their fun and who they’ve been hanging out with and where they have been. For me, I think its a matter of being able to see what I’ve been left out of.
And then there’s chatting online. I don’t think its ever been said aloud, but being the last person to write back kinda sucks. To be quite honest, whenever I write to someone, I have a very vague but real worry that they won’t write back. Because maybe they just don’t care enough about me. Ugh, and read receipts are the absolute worst. There is no way to make me more frantic about checking over and over again wondering if someone suddenly decided that they hate me. Typically, the reality is that someone read the message, didn’t have time to write back, and later forgot about the message. But my insecurities take over long before I have time to think things through logically, at which point I become obsessive as fuck.
So now I don’t really know what to do. I feel like if I don’t communicate, everyone will just end up forgetting me, realizing how unimportant I was to their life. But social media also makes me anxious like no other.
I wish I was secure enough with myself not to care about stupid things like this, but I do.