It’s 2:00 AM right now. And my insomnia is at it again. We spent last week at a monastery in Koyasan where for the first and probably last time this trip we got our own rooms. We also lost wifi access for the entire week (Which tends to happen when you’re on a mountain in the middle of nowhere). But that’s where I got a lot of thinking done.

Apparently my brain doesn’t really know when to stop. Because ever since we returned, I’ve been up every night past 4:00. This wouldn’t be so bad back in my good ol’ college dorm. But in a place where curfew is 10:00 and we have to get up at 6:30 to meditate every morning, its causing me a bit of stress and anxiety and tears. Just a little bit. Or a lot.

Like every monster, the more fear you have, the more power it has over you. So this is me fighting back. I’m done playing this ridiculous game with my body. I will fucking stay awake all night and all day if I have to.

I might be a little grouch monster all day tomorrow, but maybe then I’ll get a good night’s sleep.

Or maybe I’m just delirious right now. Yeah, that’s probably it.

UPDATE: after not sleeping at all that night. i stayed up until 10 pm the next night and have been snoring like a baby ever since.


I thought I was doing better

But the emptiness is returning. My thoughts are so jumbled and anxious and obsessive. I can’t. I spend the entire day wishing I could go to sleep, and I spend my nights lying awake. My dreams. I can’t. I’m trying to get a grip on things but its only making things worse. Hopefully its just a passing phase. Time to go back to step one.