Taking the First Step

2016 is has been a doozy of a year. It started off okay, got really really good, took a minor turn for the worse, and ended up in the midst of a perfect storm clearing a massive path of destruction. So as I head into 2017, I am partially homeless, driving a car I probably shouldn’t be driving, and a $1,200 laptop out. That, and I’ve called about 15 therapists at this point and still have no appointment.

But to be fair, here are some things that went really well in 2016. I graduated college with a small group of friends that mean the world to me and have held my hand through some really tough times. I had a GPA that wasn’t superb but far better than what I would have imagined for myself a couple years ago. I spent the summer at home building a relationship with my family that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I moved across the country by myself, started a job that I’m actually pretty happy with, and found a supportive group of friends in a city where I expected to be very lonely. And I finished my first rotation in a place that I’m pretty proud of.

So even though 2016 ended up in the throes of a Shakespeare “comedy”, I don’t know if I can say that it was really a bad year, maybe just one of a lot of lessons learned. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

I do know that I have some changes to make going into the new year. Because I objectively haven’t been taking care of myself and that should always be my first priority. A lot of that comes from the fucked up perspective I have about money and spending. And while I know that most of these thoughts are incredibly unhealthy, I don’t talk about them because I feel like very few could comprehend the experiences that led to this. So these thoughts linger and suck me dry, and they guide me toward skewed decisions that put me in terrible situations.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop being so hard on myself and to treat myself well. To make the choices that take care of me mentally and physically. To splurge on me when I’m down and out. Because I’ve learned that in the long run, trying to skimp on these things costs me more in the long run. Because I wake up at 5am and work 65 hours a week and deserve nice things once in awhile.

Because I deserve to be happy.

I can see the light. I know that everything that has happened is fixable. Soon, I’ll have a home. I’ll sign my lease over. I’ll get my car and my laptop fixed. I can stop commuting 80 miles  a day. I’ll go see my family and we’ll spend a week in Taiwan together. Things will look up.

2017 is going to be a good one because I’m going to make it a good one.

Satisfaction

I’ve become quite obsessive this year. It seems like every time my life starts turning one way or another, I dive headfirst into whatever’s going on. When things starts to go wrong and I wallow in self-pity and give up on everything. This year has been fantastic. I honestly don’t think it could have gone any better. But I’ve become obsessed with perfection. And obsessed with flaws. It’s actually become quite an obstacle to my everyday life because once something goes wrong, just one tiny thing, I can’t stop thinking about it. What’s the point of life going well if you can’t appreciate what’s going well. I’m starting to formulate my New Years resolutions for 2016 and I know this is going to be an important part. Because I’ve made so much progress this year, but I’ve become to obsessed with planning out my perfect future that I literally don’t know how to just stop and relax anymore. Even now, I’m done with my semester, I have a job lined up, I couldn’t possibly plan things out anymore, but I’m still fucking obsessed. And even worse, the reason I haven’t been writing is because I kept telling myself I needed to set aside time to write out a perfect post. Planning was a good idea at the start of the year because I needed to figure out how to get my life back on track, but now that it is, I can’t seem to stop. So here I am putting an end to this madness. And just for kicks, throwing out some spontaneous ideas:

-consciously allot yourself one mistake a day

-start meditating again, even if its for five minutes a day

-pick an activity to do imperfectly (even if that means just watching netflix episodes out of order)

-take time to appreciate what is going well

-accept that nothing horrendous is going to happen if you make a mistake. your life is not going to spiral out of control no matter what you think. stop fearing the past

2015

I’ve never done the New Years Resolution thing before. I guess winter break just comes and goes so fast every year that it never occurred to me to make some big change in my life just because the world decided it was time to change a single digit. This year is different. As hard as I’ve tried to keep a positive outlook, 2014 has been a shit year. There’s really no other way to describe it. But next year, I’m starting over.

Over the past few months, I’ve found some things out about myself. I’ve learned that I’m really good at ignoring my body and basically forcing it to do things that it doesn’t really want to do. I’ve discovered changes that I should be making but haven’t because I’m either lazy or scared. And I’ve realized that as much as I pretend not to, I care way too much what other people think.

No more.

Next year, I’m getting priority. I’m going to take care of myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally. My health is not longer going to be second in line, something that I shove away just long enough to pretend it doesn’t exist. I’m going to do the hard things, because they’re good for me. I’m going to actually stop giving a fuck what other people think. I’m going to stop hating who I am. I’m going to do it so that when 2016 comes, I can look at myself in the mirror and really truly smile.

I know it won’t be easy. It certainly won’t be a smiley ride all the way. But it will be worth it.

Yes, 2015 is going to be my year 🙂