Today would have been our day.
It’s strange to think how fast things can change in a year. And how they always do. I’m halfway around the world now. I guess you are too.
I don’t even remember the last real conversation we had. But I do remember that time I asked you if we were even still friends. And you said, “Does it even matter?” And I think I died a little inside.
Because it did matter to me.
I wish we could talk to each other about our lives the way we used to. I wish we could give each other advice or a little bit of support on a bad day. I wish it could be easy again.
I miss you. Even when you’re on the other side of the world not giving a shit. And I feel stupid for caring when you clearly don’t. But.
This time last year things were so different…
So yeah, today would have been our day. But its not.
I remember those days. When I didn’t know what pain was. Or sorrow. When my only worries were deciding what outfit to wear, or trying to pluck out my next baby tooth. How did I come this far? When did I grow up?
What happened to that shy little girl with the neverending smile? The one that spent her days jumping rope and singing without a care in the world. The one who never doubted how much she loved being alive.
I miss her.
I get really nostalgic at night. During that hour that I can’t fall asleep, my mind manages to cycle through every possible thought that will make me as sad as possible. It got me thinking Maybe, just maybe, life is designed to make us miserable. Personally, I have two sets of memories, the sad memories and the happy memories. (My neutral memories tend to end up not being that memorable for me). So I remember my sad memories, I think about how awful they made me feel and these emotions come rushing back, making me as miserable as ever. Then the happy memories start floating around. I think about how great they are. And then immediately, I become more depressed then ever, thinking Wow, the best moments of my life were right there. Now they’re over. Nothing like that will ever happen again.
When something like that happens, I get in my “stay in the present mindset”. People always tell you to live in the present right? Because its not worth it to dwell on the past or worry about the future. I try my best to shove down all those memories. I try to forget because it hurts too much to remember knowing that they’ll never be back. But as I was lying in bed last night trying to crush all these memories, I realized that it didn’t have to be that way. Honestly, life isn’t designed to make us miserable. I know it because there are so many positive people out there, people that have been through horrible experiences and manage to still keep their head held high.
And I thought. No, I’m going to cherish these happy memories. Because they’re mine and no one can take that away from me. And I feel like in that moment a weight was lifted. There’s no need to push away wonderful happy memories because its too painful to remember them. Instead, I’m going to tuck them away in that album in my brain. I’m no longer going to feel guilty for remembering something that made me happy. I’m going to take them out for walks in my mind and cherish the delightful emotions associated with them. I’m not gonna pretend that they weren’t great because they truly were. And so from now on, I’m going to focus on that. I’m going to be thankful for the fact that I was able to experience something so wonderful, I’m going to stop mourning their loss, I’m going to stop trying to recreate the memory because life doesn’t work that way. The best little surprises are the ones that you don’t expect. No matter how hard you try, you can’t capture the perfect view on your camera. You can’t replicate the scene. But you can seize the moment, pocket the happiness, and just be grateful.