So I’m back at college now. Back in the purple bubble where everything is familiar and safe and comfortable. And at the same time, scary and unknown. It’s hard settling in again, when everyone else has had half a year to adjust and you are dumped into the middle of it all and expected to join in as if nothing has changed.
One of the things I’ve been thinking about lately is reconciling this conflict between what’s easy for you and what’s good for you. There are simple things, staying in bed all day going out vs. and engaging with the day, getting drunk to forget about your problems or dealing with them head on. (Then again, maybe these aren’t so simple). Other things are a little more complicated, you could apply for that easy job or pursue that dream job, you can avoid the problems in a relationship or have the tough conversations. I think that life is full of tough choices like these. After all, kids are taught to literally study themselves to death so they can go to that top tier college and get that “successful” job.
Maybe I’m being negative, but it seems like its rarely the case that the easy things are the good things and these days, I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle that may or may not be worth it. When I arrived on campus, it first hit me that I’m going to be graduating next year and this sense of unaccomplishment has been following me like a lost puppy. This past week I’ve been dragging myself out of bed and throwing myself at clubs and professors and long-lost friends and I’m actually doing all my readings (which has never happened before)
It’s really hard. Sometimes it feels good, I get some short spurts of happiness. But mostly, its just really fucking hard. And I’m happiest (or at least most comfortable) when I’m lying in bed not doing these things. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be worth it in the future. I guess I’m a little tired of waiting for this so called reward.
But it’ll come. It has to. Otherwise what are we doing?