Thoughts…

I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve had a lot of thoughts, but I haven’t written. So I guess this is my stream of consciousness.

A year ago, I was not in a good place. I was filled with anxiety, self-hatred, guilt, restlessness, negativity. My memories are vivid because you remember things most clearly when they are very good or very bad and this was the latter. And things only went downhill from this time. 2014 was not my year.

I stumbled onto this internship by accident. It happened in a time when things had started to turn, but I didn’t believe in anything, I didn’t trust. Not in myself and not in that mysterious force that I somehow always believed made things happen for a reason.

Things happen for a reason. This internship was a blessing that I never knew I needed. Being here. I didn’t think I would like it. I really didn’t think I would like it. My experience isn’t even half over, but I have learned more in the past four weeks than I probably have over the past year. About myself. I’ve gained a sense of confidence and self-respect that I never had before. And I’ve realized what has held me back.

There are still things that I need to work on… But I am learning to be patient with myself. If I can’t hold back the critical thoughts, I can at least acknowledge that they are critical thoughts and work on a way to make them less internally harmful. My thoughts aren’t gathered. They will be. I feel good. It’s a new kind of good. The kind that isn’t artificial. I’m not afraid that its going to leave, but I know where it comes from and I know that it comes from myself.

But I know its important to watch out, because I know that in a way, this happiness is logic derived. And sometimes, when other things take over, its hard to be logical.

My thoughts are clumsy and disorganized right now. Its good. Managing uncertainty is one of my focuses right now. Doing things that have no planning, no purpose, no structure. Just thoughts – unedited.

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Hopelessness

So today I spent 12 hours at orientation for my new internship that starts Monday. By 3:00, my anxiety started to creep, by the time I got off the metro, my head was about to explode. I took a shower and passed out and when I woke up, the thoughts started to creep.

Last week I was trying on my pants from last summer to see if they still fit. They didn’t. Today, after I woke up, I saw myself in the mirror and I burst out crying. I saw the fat and the eczema and the ugly. Just so much ugly. I was physically repulsed by myself.

And then the thoughts came back. Thoughts that I thought I had pushed away… because I was stronger than that. Thoughts that maybe just one cut would make me feel better. That no one could ever want to be with someone as ugly as me. That maybe the world would be better off without me. That no one would be miss me anyway.

And then guilt. Because I didn’t value my life the way I should. And because of how much my family needs me right now. Really really needs me. And here I couldn’t even get over myself. My thoughts spiraled and I honestly didn’t know how to get out.

I’m on Netflix now. Nothing like a little Orange is the New Black to distract me from my thoughts. But I’m scared. I’m scared about making it through the summer alone. Because lately I have not been kind to myself and my thoughts have only gotten scarier.

My goal:
1. Find a way to stop my thoughts from spiraling when they seem out of control.
2. Stop caring what other people think. They’re only one of billions.
3. Learn to affirm myself.

It’s okay to wander off the path once in a while, as long as you eventually find your way back.