This year, I want to drive my life

2022 was a year of uncomfortable growth. It wasn’t intentional but I felt like I got slapped in the face by something new every month and somehow I learned how to deal with it. Some lessons took longer than intended, but by some miracle… or I guess maybe not a miracle, I’ve landed in 2023 with a clean slate. I’m really proud of where I’ve ended up actually – from an outward perspective, maybe nothing has changed much, but I’ve done some really hard things this year. I’ve learned to set boundaries, to better understand how I feel and to communicate it, to prioritize my physical health, to take on my anxieties head on. I don’t know, maybe this is the post-breakup clarity I’ve been looking for. Or maybe just fasting clarity from the stomach flu.

Either way, i don’t know, i feel prepared to take this year on. I know it won’t be all smooth sailing, but I want to at least live this year with intention, with joy, and with growth.

I wrote this list of little things to strive for right after we broke up the first time and tbh, I think I’ve actually followed through on most of it. Haha maybe 7 took a little longer than it should’ve. But looking back, I’m pretty proud of how far I’ve come since June of 2020.

1. being better tomorrow than i was today
2. enjoying life as it is today not in preparation for the future
3. learning from people that have qualities i admire rather than being jealous of them
4. putting positivity into the world even if it’s just a little bit
5. nourishing the relationships that are important to me
6. valuing myself rather than relying on the validation of others
7. refusing to stay trapped somewhere because i’m too scared to move on
8. not allowing people around me define the meaning of success
9. acknowledging all of what i’m feeling not just constantly pushing away the negative
10. not letting fear get in the way of taking risks and being vulnerable
11. celebrating myself rather than always focusing on what i’m not good at

I still push for these things every day, but for 2023, I want to be intentional. I don’t want to put things off anymore.

1. Start volunteering somewhere. Anywhere. Make a new home for yourself.
2. Find a passion just for yourself. Don’t be afraid to go alone.
3. Go to the doctor when you need to go to the doctor.
4. Prioritize your relationships.
5. Figure out where your boundaries are and respect them.
6. Be vulnerable. Acknowledge your insecurities.
7. Do something that makes you uncomfortable once a month (but helps you grow).
8. Don’t wait. And don’t worry about artificial life timelines. Do the things on your bucket list before it’s too late to do them.

The clarity of time, the blurriness of emotion

It’s been six weeks now since we’ve been truly apart. It’s been two months since we’ve seen each other. I truly thought I would miss you less by now. But you still linger in my heart and around every corner, in every pocket of silence.

It’s odd how clear things have gotten the more time we’ve spent apart. The goodness of us, painful in every day. But the knowledge that we’re better apart, that’s clear to me too.

I fill the silence with music now. It’s the only thing that’s ever kept me company. But now, every stupid song reminds me of us. For as big as our differences, that was the only thing that really connected us. I remember when you made that playlist, when we had first started dating. I had only known you for a week and I fell for you so deeply. You the romantic. And a couple weeks in, when you came to that radical face concert with me, the one that I had bought tickets for, hoping that I would meet my person. And I thought that I did. I remember that so vividly because I was so happy and we were filled with so much hope back then. And now, whenever I hear him, I can’t not think of you. Or when hollow coves comes on, I remember one of the last times we were together…and I think we both knew it at the time. Yesterday, I drove down the pch and I thought…man i know you would love some tom petty right now. A little bit of cat stevens. Or glen hansard. You have no idea how hard it is to let you go.

I thought I would be over you by now. But i miss the piece that you filled in my heart. You probably have no idea. I want to talk to you but I know that I can’t. I love you.

I had to go in for a colposcopy this week. Honestly just really not what I needed right now. And when I first got the news, I just wanted to call you. Because no matter what, you’ve always been there for me. I’ve known anyone more reliable and I loved that about you. It’s weird though, because I knew in my heart that you probably wouldn’t have responded the way I wanted you to respond. We would’ve gotten there eventually, but it would’ve been easier not to turn to you. I do know that when it came to the appointment, you would’ve driven me there. You would’ve made sure I had everything I needed. And you would’ve fucking held me hand while I lay there. And when I was laying there, I just wanted nothing more than for you to hold me. Because it really fucking sucked, and I didn’t know it would be that bad. You would’ve held me after. You would’ve tried to cheer me up with some dumb joke and I would’ve eaten it up because I loved you.

I held my own hand the whole time. And then I cried in the bathtub afterwards. Because it fucking sucked, and it sucked in a way nobody could understand. And I think about what it would’ve been like if we were together. I think you would’ve tried to empathize and understand and you wouldn’t have ever really gotten there. And truthfully, I think you would’ve tried something afterward, even though I was in absolutely no mental or physical state. I would’ve done it anyway. For you.

Things are so clear to me now. The good and the bad. And I know logically that while what we had was deep and passionate and loving, it wasn’t enough. And things would’ve just gotten so much worse. But I still miss you so much.

I told you I’d reach out when I was ready and I wish I was. But it’s gonna take more time than I thought. I hope you know how much I love you.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

It’s been a year of such intensity and it’s odd that we’re rolling into the end so quietly. As I enter the quiet, my heart doesn’t quite know how to process this year. In a way, it’s been full of grief…for a world that was so peaceful, where nothing, moved, where I was content. I’ve had to do so many things this year that I feared with such depth, and I did it anyway. But I also fear that I’ve been running from the aftermath. Somehow, that’s what reopening feels like to me… being constantly on the run again.

Admittedly, it’s been a year of growth, and I’m proud of myself for that. I worked through a flare up the first couple months of the year. I managed a year of extreme market volatility and emerged at least emotionally okay. I’ve ventured into the world of meeting new people after years of tightening my circle. I’ve started and ended a lot of relationships. I’ve learned what I like and I what I need… or at least started to. I’ve progressed in advocating for myself, and communicating what I need or what I want. Things that feel simple, but were and are still fucking terrifying for me. But at least now, I know they’ll be hard but I’ll get through them.

I think what feels hardest to me this year is relationships. Starting relationships and ending relationships. Obnoxiously enough, relationships feel a little bit like stocks to me. You can do all the work in the world and get into them knowing the risks and rewards, but ultimately, you can’t control them. And once you’re in them, you’re in – for the good and the bad, never knowing if your thesis will be right or wrong but looking for signs the entire way. But once you’re out of them, you’re out. There’s a finality to it. Even if you buy them again one day, it’ll be with the knowledge that at some point, you gave up and got out. And maybe you’re burned so bad you never want to get back in because you know you’ll constantly question yourself.

I think I’ve become a more decisive person – partially because of my job, and partially because of Jesse. It’s been good, to have some direction in my life, but I’m always terrified that I’ll be wrong. Even though there isn’t really a right answer. But I think in my heart, I’m so so scared that I’m just doing it all wrong. I guess that’s the piece I’m missing in my life right now. But maybe what that means is that this is the piece I need to work on the most. Being okay with the fear that I might be wrong. After all, life has no right answers, it’s about what you do with where you are.

I guess in the back of my mind, I’m worried I did 2022 wrong. I’m worried I came out of this year with nothing. But looking back at all the decisions I’ve made, I don’t think I actually have any regrets. Ultimately, I may be exiting this year feeling still alone and full of uncertainty, but at least I’m a little more confident that I will get through it.

My dear

I’ve been having a hard time without you. Truthfully, I didn’t think I would, but it’s hard not to grieve three years together.

I’ve been trying not to run away from what I’m feeling, but maybe I have been a little bit. My anxiety has been through the roof and my heart aches, but I don’t fully understand it because this time it’s different.

I miss being yours. I miss loving you. I miss the memories we have together. I miss feeling safe. I know we wouldn’t have worked, but what we had was real and a lot of it was good.

In these moments of panic, I just want to go back. I want you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. But I know that we can’t go back there. That place doesn’t exist anymore.

Idk why last time it felt easier, maybe because I didn’t have to face the real world just yet. Now I do. And it’s really hard without you. You have no idea how hard it is.

I know I have a tough exterior, but you know how soft I am. And I hate not being able to talk to you about it. Even though you didn’t always make me feel better, I know you tried.

It’s a weird world out there. I’m trying to be purposeful. I’m trying to do a lot of things you taught me. But something feels off. God I wish I could talk to you about it.

I guess I have to learn how to build a home for myself again. Thank you for being my home for so long.

I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. As much as I want to, I know I’m not there yet. So I’m going to be patient with myself.

I love you.

When the world starts moving again

I haven’t written in awhile because i’ve spent most of this year running away.

Reopening has been scary for me in a way that i don’t have words for yet. With lockdown, i experienced the first period of peace that i remember in my life. Things felt so easy. And even when they didn’t, i believed that i coild persevere. Now the only emotion that stands out this year, that perpetuates my daily life, has been fear. Fear of losing the peace and the happiness that i had for that brief period of time. And somehow not being able to get it back. I’ve gone back to this whole mindset of believing in the worst case scenario when one tiny blip happens. In doing so, i’ve been grasping really hard. For things not to change, to go back to the way things were. And of course i can’t control it.

Recently, i’ve started to try and accept that change is happening and that we can’t go back. I backtrack a lot, but i think, i hope, it’s a new beginning. It’s helped to be braver. To do things that i’m so so terrified to do. To end the relationship that realistically i believed held me together through lockdown and kept me safe. I’m still absolutely petrified, but i hope i’m moving in the right direction.

I realize that i can’t move forward until i accept that i can’t control what happens around me and all i can do is embrace that i can handle whatever happens, but there’s also a small child inside me that isn’t so sure. I guess i have to hold her hand. Today i’ve just had a pit in my chest the whole day – that for some reason my whole world is going to come crumbling down. Not for any real reason. I think maybe it just feels terrifying to me to rely on other people.

Now that i really am alone from a relationship perspective, i can feel so intensely how much it hurts. And i’m so scared to lose that with anyone else – a close friend, a parent. And i guess subconsciously, i always imagine the worst case scenario so that if it happens, i’ll somehow be prepared. I hope that on the other side of this, i’ll realize that i really am strong enough. After all, this weekend has been hard but i’m still here and surviving. But it hasn’t been easy.

I’m just really really scared today. But i guess fear is just a feeling.

I miss when things were paused

My first couple of years out of college, I remember never stopping. Always reaching for the next thing, trying to get through the challenge in front of me, perpetually thinking that whatever was on the other side was better. It wasn’t. I just wanted everything to stop. Just for one second, so I could catch my breath. It never did.

When things locked down, I felt at peace for the first time in my life. I felt joy like I hadn’t felt for probably 20 years. Unbridled joy, guiltless joy. And just quiet in my heart. Nothing to worry about, nothing to plan for, nothing to miss. Everything felt easy for a second, like I was finally satiated. And for that time, I wondered if maybe I had found peace internally – maybe this is something I could carry with me.

And things opened back up. And gradually, actually not even gradually. Everything was back. The rushing, the planning, the waiting, the hope. For something better in the future. Not the now. I feel like 6 months have passed and I’ve barely lived. I’m not happy. I’m not at peace. There’s an aching in my heart all the time. And now that I’ve seen the other side, it somehow feels worse. And it somehow feels out of my control.

I can’t recreate the peace that once was. But I have to try to find it again in my life….

love in the time of covid

It’s been 2 years since we started this, and i think we’re still having trouble letting go. I think it’s because the best and the most intense part of our relationship perhaps happened in that brief moment before lockdown, as at we start to return to some level of normalcy, I’m reminded again of what we had in that time. That time when I would plan to meet you for a date after work. Or going back for the first time to the place where we had for our first date. Some of these things that we just haven’t been able to do for the past two years, that haven’t been replaced by new memories just yet.

And they were so long ago, that I think there’s nostalgia…for that time, and for what we were during that time. When I was so enamored by you and could find no faults, because we just didn’t know each other then. For a time when I really thought that you might be the one. Over the last two years, we’ve created a path of new memories, learning more about each other, but also learning that we just struggle to work. But every time I do something “normal”, I only remember that period of puppy love.

They’re great memories really. I’m nostalgic for them. But I also know that’s a place we can never return to, even if we tried to now. The beginning of lockdown, when we were excited to be together all the time because we didn’t have to leave for work in the morning. Or meeting your friends for the first time and being nervous for what they would think of me. I think we know too much now, but it’s so easy to imagine that maybe the hardest part of our relationship, all of which spiraled over the course of the last two years. Maybe it wasn’t real. But it was.

Round 2

It’s 2:15am and i can’t sleep. I woke up missing you and thinking about you. However right i believe this was, we had some really good times together and there is something so extremely special about you that i am so lucky i had the chance to experience.

I think i did the right thing to call it off before things got worse, before i dragged you down a road of pain and resentment for checking out of a relationship that you were fully committed to, that i couldn’t see myself in anymore. It just wouldn’t be fair to cause you more suffering because i was too scared to end it myself when it was time.

I think we gave this more than a fair shot. And i know just how hard you tried and i so appreciate you for giving me all you gave me, the love, the lessons, the moments that were just joy and beauty. And for the sweetness and care that you gave me when my health was in such a state that i resented myself for existing. Nothing can ever take away what we had and all that i gained from it. This is what i mourn now and i think deservedly so. It feels so fucking godawful but i’m also thankful to feel it to know that a lot of what we had was good. And however much i want to skip this phase, i know that it belongs to our relationship too, the pain of losing everything that was good.

Thank you for being the best boyfriend to me that you could be. Thank you for choosing me and for never giving up. Thank you for a year that i will never regret and for lessons and love that i will take with me for the rest of my life. I miss you more than you can understand right now. I hope you can feel the love and warmth that i’m sending your way. And the deep deep appreciation that i have for you.

An Ode to the Pause of 2020

This is the last day of the first vacation I’ve taken by a year, and certainly doesn’t feel like it’s been anywhere near what I need to recover from all that’s happened.

This has been a tremendous year of growth for me, but it’s been accompanied by almost daily struggles. Not in a way that I couldn’t cope but in a way that it has taken a tremendous amount of strength for me to power through. It’s been an odd year where I’ve had more realizations than I can count and yet it’s barely half over.

The combination of starting a new job that I feel unqualified for and trying to keep up with that job paired with the advent of quarantine and a pretty rocky relationship that has started, ended, and started again all within 2020 has forced me to learn about myself and adapt with a strength that I truly didn’t think I had. It’s been incredibly empowering in a way that makes me grateful this year but I mourn for the fact that it had to happen this way.

I still worry for what’s to come and have spent all day fretting as I’ve had the privilege to mostly shut off this past week and ignore and now I know that I have to come back to reality. And so I find myself curled in the dark in the bathtub trying to drown it out all the while knowing that I also need to embrace and accept it.

Zero weeks this year have been easy, partially due to the fact that I work in an industry where I am literally paid to stress. But I’ve plowed through it with the mindset that if I embrace a growth mindset, I will be able to succeed in life no matter what happens. I wonder if one day I’ll truly be able to let it go. The external expectations, the societal demands, at least the ones that don’t align with what makes me happy.

I do feel like I’m getting closer, closer to believing in myself despite external outcomes, developing a stronger willingness to believe in my instincts and advocate for myself. But there’s still a fear that lingers and I suppose that’s the bit of me I have to learn to sit with and accept and perhaps even befriend if i’m to get through the rest of this year.

Enjoying life as it is

I’ve been frustrated. With myself and with him. Because I didn’t mean for this to happen and frankly I didn’t want it to happen. And then it did. And idk…I’ve been feeling misled by him and mad at myself for falling for it.

But I guess part of life is accepting what is and forgiving what has happened. Because here I am now, and I guess how i react to this and what I choose to do going forward matters the most.

The thing is…I’m so unsure which is making me non-commital on either side. I suppose that’s alright. But I do want to make an effort, not for him but for me.

I don’t know though. Whether to bring things up that frustrate me or to just let them go. Because I don’t think it’s fair to tell someone else that they need to change because they aren’t enough. Or if you should just live with who they are and figure out if you can accept them for that or not.

I suppose I’ve been leaning toward the latter because it makes it easier for me to continue to live on with no expectations except the one that this won’t last long term. After all, if I ask someone to change for me, that’s with the expectation that this is for the long-term. I wouldn’t want someone to keep telling me that I’m not enough because of who I am.

I just don’t think I would be happy in this relationship long-term and neither would he. I think we have fun together but there’s such a fundamental incompatibility that I’m not sure would work. And idk, I feel like there’s someone out there for each of us that just makes more sense.

There’s a deep feeling in my heart that knows that things can’t continue this way for very long. But I’m also not ready to let go right now and I also don’t know how to have this conversation when I’m so confused.

All I can ask of myself is to continue learning from where I am now, to be okay with uncertainty, and to let 2020 play out as best as it can. Things may go up or down, but hopefully I’ll come out as a stronger person with some learnings under my belt.