I got home today and something had changed. I couldn’t figure out what it was and I still can’t figure it out, but something was different.
I went on a date today. I haven’t done that for a long ass time. I think I was scared. My heart had been broken before and I was scared that if I even opened the door a crack, I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. I felt like there was a reason I was alone. There was obviously something wrong with me, something that made me inherently unlovable. Once someone actually got to know me, they would obviously discover how awful I was and leave.
So how did it go? Not great. Not awful, but I knew there wouldn’t be a second date. And it wasn’t me. Or him. It just wasn’t right.
I’m still scared. But for the first time today, There was this moment when I didn’t hate who I was. When I didn’t feel worthless. It was different. Kinda nice actually.
But the emptiness is returning. My thoughts are so jumbled and anxious and obsessive. I can’t. I spend the entire day wishing I could go to sleep, and I spend my nights lying awake. My dreams. I can’t. I’m trying to get a grip on things but its only making things worse. Hopefully its just a passing phase. Time to go back to step one.
I remember those days. When I didn’t know what pain was. Or sorrow. When my only worries were deciding what outfit to wear, or trying to pluck out my next baby tooth. How did I come this far? When did I grow up?
What happened to that shy little girl with the neverending smile? The one that spent her days jumping rope and singing without a care in the world. The one who never doubted how much she loved being alive.
I miss her.
Life is but a fleeting moment in the game of time. It is a second filled with happiness, sadness, anticipation, and pain all rolled into one. It teaches you not to grasp anything too tightly for in the end, you will learn that it is all temporary. You may ask, but what is its meaning? Why are we allowed to live when in the end we are all to face the pain of death? But to me, death isn’t the end. It is only a gate, a symbol of our souls passing through.
Family and friends look on and wave as you pass through. We are sad that you are traveling on without us and we will miss you. But we know that you are moving on to bigger and better things. You’ve accomplished what you needed to do here in this world. One day we will meet again. Until then, we will savor your memories with a smile and keep you nestled in our hearts, right where you belong.