My dear

I’ve been having a hard time without you. Truthfully, I didn’t think I would, but it’s hard not to grieve three years together.

I’ve been trying not to run away from what I’m feeling, but maybe I have been a little bit. My anxiety has been through the roof and my heart aches, but I don’t fully understand it because this time it’s different.

I miss being yours. I miss loving you. I miss the memories we have together. I miss feeling safe. I know we wouldn’t have worked, but what we had was real and a lot of it was good.

In these moments of panic, I just want to go back. I want you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. But I know that we can’t go back there. That place doesn’t exist anymore.

Idk why last time it felt easier, maybe because I didn’t have to face the real world just yet. Now I do. And it’s really hard without you. You have no idea how hard it is.

I know I have a tough exterior, but you know how soft I am. And I hate not being able to talk to you about it. Even though you didn’t always make me feel better, I know you tried.

It’s a weird world out there. I’m trying to be purposeful. I’m trying to do a lot of things you taught me. But something feels off. God I wish I could talk to you about it.

I guess I have to learn how to build a home for myself again. Thank you for being my home for so long.

I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. As much as I want to, I know I’m not there yet. So I’m going to be patient with myself.

I love you.

love in the time of covid

It’s been 2 years since we started this, and i think we’re still having trouble letting go. I think it’s because the best and the most intense part of our relationship perhaps happened in that brief moment before lockdown, as at we start to return to some level of normalcy, I’m reminded again of what we had in that time. That time when I would plan to meet you for a date after work. Or going back for the first time to the place where we had for our first date. Some of these things that we just haven’t been able to do for the past two years, that haven’t been replaced by new memories just yet.

And they were so long ago, that I think there’s nostalgia…for that time, and for what we were during that time. When I was so enamored by you and could find no faults, because we just didn’t know each other then. For a time when I really thought that you might be the one. Over the last two years, we’ve created a path of new memories, learning more about each other, but also learning that we just struggle to work. But every time I do something “normal”, I only remember that period of puppy love.

They’re great memories really. I’m nostalgic for them. But I also know that’s a place we can never return to, even if we tried to now. The beginning of lockdown, when we were excited to be together all the time because we didn’t have to leave for work in the morning. Or meeting your friends for the first time and being nervous for what they would think of me. I think we know too much now, but it’s so easy to imagine that maybe the hardest part of our relationship, all of which spiraled over the course of the last two years. Maybe it wasn’t real. But it was.

I guess I should’ve seen this coming

Everyone warned me and I kind of knew it myself but I just had to touch the stove. And now I feel like I’ve been gipped again. Because this is exactly how it went down the first time. And if I let it happen again, I’ll probably just feel even worse about myself until this spirals further.

It’s odd that my therapist told me that I would know when it had to end. And now I know. But god there’s still that fucking glimmer of hope in my chest because it was so good for such a short period of time. And that’s how I always want it back. But it doesn’t go back. It just gets worse. And I know that because I’ve been through it already.

I guess this is just the process of me figuring out when I should end it. Again. Or backing things up. I’m not really sure. But I can’t really stay in this limbo right now.

I don’t know what this feeling is

But I really thought I had learned how to cope with all the shit in my life. And I just don’t know anymore. I’m not sure if anything I’m feeling is real or reasonable. Like if it had been one thing than idk maybe i could have dealt with it better. But here i am under crushing pressure at work, and  I can’t go climbing or see my friends – which is what I’ve been relying on – but even if we weren’t under quarantine, maybe I would have just locked myself in my apartment anyway, it’s hard to know.

And this has all quickly murdered a relationship that was already rocky going in and now is just lying on its deathbed. And I’m so so tired but I can’t deal with anything.

I don’t really want to die – because I can see the other side of this – and maybe that’s a positive improvement. But I’m just so tired. And I feel so very alone. I know I can’t keep relying on the people around me because it makes me feel like a fucking burden, but I also don’t know what to do.

I wish I were better. I wish I could handle things the way other people do. I wish I didn’t just cave under pressure every time. I wish I knew how to devote energy to more than one thing at a time. I wish I didn’t feel so burned out – because it’s hard to think clearly or make decisions about anything right now. But it’s this lack of decision-making that’s also making things so horrible.

Better late than never

I can’t believe it took me this long to put into words, but I finally figured out what was bothering me. You treated me like glass. You cherished me. You took care of me. For some reason, you thought that was what I wanted. So you didn’t treat me like a human. Maybe you thought I couldn’t handle the truth. Maybe you thought if you kept me shiny and polished, nothing could ever go wrong. But when you finally decided it was all too much for you, you shattered me.