A cloud of darkness and fear
fog up a life that could have been
leaving you a shell of yourself
always wondering when the next wave of panic will strike.

Thoughts race and your body shakes
and you hate your mind
for not knowing when to stop.

When fear strikes
your chest is tight
your lungs are on fire
your heart is ready to explode
your head is spinning
your world has gone black.

All that is left is fear.

Fear of the death that seems so near.

When it ends, you are left only with hate
for the mind and the body
that you cannot control
looking for something or someone to blame
but finding nothing except yourself.

And still you search
for that light at the end of the tunnel.

I promise it is there.


Learning to Lose Control

I haven’t written in a while. Some of this stems from the black hole that Williamstown creates when it is sucked into a polar vortex containing approximately six hours of sunlight a day, thus encouraging the 2,000 students that remain on campus to enter hibernation. The other part was me wallowing in self pity for coming down the seasonal flu for the third year in a row, complete with vomiting. During this time, I discovered that I enjoyed way too much the joys of having a month with no obligations except for the task of finishing as much of Netflix as possible. I’m sure I’m not the only one to get down in the dumps over the winter season. After all, its only natural when the majority of the year is filled with the stresses of finishing the night’s paper before the midnight deadline while attempting to simultaneously study for your midterm for your 8:30 the next day. Then there’s the question of your future, your summer internship or studying for the MCAT or LSAT or GRE or deciding what to do with your life, while trying to make sure you don’t end up alone and living with cats in the future.

And that’s part of it. I worry about being alone. Its not having friends or family that I worry about. It is the fact that no matter how many people I surround myself with, no one is going to be responsible for my life but myself. I am only starting to realize this fear now, but growing up, my parents and family were responsible for making sure I got through school, made the right friends, didn’t end up in juvie, and basically stayed on the right path. After getting my drivers license, like so many other teenagers, I started going out on my own, finding jobs when I needed money, and finally going off to college and living essentially on my own for the first time. Now I feel free. I feel happy. I have friends that I consider my family. And yet I feel more alone than ever. Although we all face the same challenges, I am ultimately responsible for what I become in the future and every decision that I make from now until then affects what I become and what happens to me. I feel like this is part of why I am so scared, why I often self-sabotage and don’t go for the things that I want, and why I put off what I need to do.

I know there are those cliches that say “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” or that every mistake makes you stronger, but I feel like sometimes it is these sayings that make me regret so much of the past rather than looking toward the future. A facebook friend of mine shared a quote from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline the other day saying “Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe” and it really struck me. Not every moment in life need to go toward that destined future for greatness. If you waste a day or a week or even a month wallowing in self-pity as I sometimes do when my mental health is feeling unstable, there is no need for regrets. And with this cycle, if you start regretting the fact that you are regretting, take a deep breath and let it go.

I have to admit that I have lived a very uptight life, striving for perfection in everything I do, not to say that it ends up perfect because most of the time, it doesn’t. And most of the time, its because I’m being a control freak with my life. You know those times when you have a list of work to do and it just feels so overwhelming so you just beat yourself up for staring at it for the past hour and not doing it? Don’t do it. If you have a little bit of time, set an alarm on your phone for five minutes and do what you want to do. Lie in bed and listen to music. Go poop. Don’t play flappy bird (trust me). Look up a short youtube video that makes you smile. Just breathe and put a smile on your face. But don’t hate on yourself. And don’t be afraid to ask for help or just take some time to cry. Whenever I have what I consider a life crisis or hit some hurdles in life, I beat myself up for not being able to get over it. I try to control my feelings, but I’m starting to learn that its okay to lose control once in a while. Not every problem has to be fixed right away. If you have something that’s bothering you, write it down. If it is a person that is bothering you, write down what you are feeling then go talk to them. Think of the worst possible scenario and I guarantee it will never be that.

If you read this far, thanks for listening to my brain ramble. I have hit a few bumps in my life recently and I’m still working on trying to be okay with losing control. I know it’ll take time, and that’s okay. If you wanna help me out, comment below with some youtube videos that make you laugh.