Satisfaction

I’ve become quite obsessive this year. It seems like every time my life starts turning one way or another, I dive headfirst into whatever’s going on. When things starts to go wrong and I wallow in self-pity and give up on everything. This year has been fantastic. I honestly don’t think it could have gone any better. But I’ve become obsessed with perfection. And obsessed with flaws. It’s actually become quite an obstacle to my everyday life because once something goes wrong, just one tiny thing, I can’t stop thinking about it. What’s the point of life going well if you can’t appreciate what’s going well. I’m starting to formulate my New Years resolutions for 2016 and I know this is going to be an important part. Because I’ve made so much progress this year, but I’ve become to obsessed with planning out my perfect future that I literally don’t know how to just stop and relax anymore. Even now, I’m done with my semester, I have a job lined up, I couldn’t possibly plan things out anymore, but I’m still fucking obsessed. And even worse, the reason I haven’t been writing is because I kept telling myself I needed to set aside time to write out a perfect post. Planning was a good idea at the start of the year because I needed to figure out how to get my life back on track, but now that it is, I can’t seem to stop. So here I am putting an end to this madness. And just for kicks, throwing out some spontaneous ideas:

-consciously allot yourself one mistake a day

-start meditating again, even if its for five minutes a day

-pick an activity to do imperfectly (even if that means just watching netflix episodes out of order)

-take time to appreciate what is going well

-accept that nothing horrendous is going to happen if you make a mistake. your life is not going to spiral out of control no matter what you think. stop fearing the past

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Brainstorm

I’m hitting a writer’s block and I feel like its because I haven’t written in a while. Well I have, but I’ve sorta kept it to myself. I guess I’ve been using it as a means to get really horrible thoughts out of my head and it more or less cleanses for me for like the next 15 days. I’m getting kind of emotional today. Well, I guess as emotional as I can get, which is me sitting here expressionless whispering: “get it together, maggie. don’t let any of your feelings leak out.” I guess i feel like if something were to slip out, it would all come flooding out and then I’d have a goddam mess on my hands. no, this is easier. i’m content. i’m safe. i’m happy. what more can i ask for. how can i be satisfied, but dissatisfied? why do i feel like everything i say is half a lie? i’m genuinely happy, but i also feel like there’s something unexplainable inside. waiting to pounce right when i least expect it. whatever. i’m feeling kind of annoyed and invalidated right now. but who the fuck really cares how i feel? wait, that actually explains a lot…