my fragile heart

So i’ve recently started dating seriously again, and i feel like i’ve put my heart through the wringer.

Not that I wasn’t dating before. But it was really easy to put up a wall. Because I was moving cities every couple of months. But more realistically, because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to handle being hurt.

I’m not sure why finding someone has become so important to me lately though. I guess I don’t really have anything better to worry about. Or in the list of casual life milestones, I feel like this is the next one I’m meant to “conquer”. (which is kind of the way my parents talk about it literally all the time) And it really doesn’t help that it feels like half my friends are getting married even though we’re only 24.

I do feel like I’m in a healthier place and that this is a good thing. For one, I’m less inclined to play around with other people because I know that I can’t literally just leave the country.

But I feel so vulnerable. It’s hard to care.

Most recently, I met someone that I fell unexpectedly hard for. And then I learned that they weren’t looking for the same things that I was. And now, everything just feels a little bit really fucking terrible. Because before that, I had honestly resigned myself to settling. Because who really finds their perfect person. But now…I have standards.

I think what scares me the most is now I have to plunge back into the world of dating. and tbh…mine through a lot of trash. and i still might end up right back here. And here just doesn’t feel very good right now.

Hedging

As cliché as it is, I have no doubt in my mind that everyone will leave me. Maybe not intentionally, but life is impermanent and so are relationships.

I’ve been going on a string of meditation retreats lately. And I’ve been finding it really difficult to connect with myself. Not that it used to be easy, but I used to at least be able to feel things. And lately, I feel nothing. I can do the outward motions – I can laugh when something is funny – but it’s difficult to remember what pure joy feels like. I’ve also found myself distancing myself from my parents, from my friends.

I suppose I’ve taught myself to hedge. If I can’t feel at all, I can’t feel the bad things. If I don’t get close to anyone, when they leave me, it won’t hurt as much. But in the meantime, I’ve left myself only with emptiness, loneliness, and guilt. 

So I’ve committed to opening myself up to vulnerability. Not just the outward things. Somehow, I’ve always been comfortable with that. But the real fears that no one knows except me – that I’ll end up alone; that I’m just a last resort for friendship, but no one would actually spend time with me if they had other options; that if I recover from depression, I won’t like the person underneath and neither will anyone else; that I’ll die without having made a real impact on the world.

And I’m committing to admitting my true feelings for people to people. Because when other people share with me, 9/10, it actually brightens my day.

I’m sick of feeling empty.