just trying to stay afloat

I’m having a relatively good day after literally spending yesterday googling the most effective ways to kill myself. So just writing a bit to remind myself that the voice in my head isn’y always right and that feelings are just feelings that need to be felt. But they will pass. And it’s not that serious. Just reminding myself that I am competent and I have the power to change things if I’m not happy with my life. That everything that happens to me isn’t completely out of my control even if it seems like it. And to live for the good moments, however small they are. This too will pass.

Being happy

I don’t usually write much when things are better. Mostly because things are better. But life feels so much lighter these days and I don’t really know why.

Maybe because I finally have some sense of stability and permanence in my life. Or because I have a group of rock solid friends that I trust and feel like I can rely on. Maybe because I climb now and it gives me something to look forward to. Or because I enjoy the work I do and the people that are around me.

I didn’t notice when it happened, but I stopped wondering if people around me would realize that I kind of just wanted to die every day. Because I don’t anymore. And miraculously, I like spending time with people and I don’t feel like I have to force myself to go out anymore. God it’s such a relief.

It’s so hard to see from the other side, but things just come easier when you don’t feel like you’re buried so far underneath the ground that nothing could ever lift you up. And I couldn’t be more grateful for the people who stood by me when I wasn’t a joy to be around. And I certainly don’t blame the people that weren’t, but I do have a much better understanding of who I can really count on.

Just leaving this here as a note to myself that things can be good and things can be easy even if it’s not all the time.

Satisfaction

I’ve been on vacation for three weeks now. During this time, I’ve kind of felt impatient to get back to work. To do something that has purpose. What I’m doing right now just feels a bit like a waste of time. It’s not as satisfying as I thought it would be.

But I think I’ve started to turn a corner.

I’m not really sure what happened… maybe I just needed time away from the office? Maybe it’s been all the external validation that I’ve been getting lately? But I hope… it’s just me.

Very recently, as in probably the last couple of days, I’ve been satisfied with myself. It’s bizarre because I’ve actually been in bed with the stomach flu and have literally done shit. But I’ve started to realize how amazing I am and how great my life is. In this brief moment of satisfaction, it’s been a lot easier to enjoy what is happening to me in the moment and to stop looking to the future for satisfaction.

I feel like every stage of life I’ve been at has been seeking to prove that I am enough. To prove naysayers wrong, to make my parents proud, to achieve that definition of perfection…even though no one is keeping score. And in all that time, I never relished or acknowledged my successes. I never acknowledged the obstacles that I’ve had to overcome to get here. And so, when I got the job that the last two years of my life have revolved around, the natural thing for my mind to do was to seek the next milestone (which according to my parents is getting married and having kids).

But maybe, the next phase of my life is self-satisfaction. If I get back to LA in July and nothing is different except that I have a greater appreciation and love for myself and my body, I’d count that as a major success. I’m not exactly sure what that means at the moment, but I think it just means being extremely forgiving to myself, treating my body with kindness, and to stop seeking future accomplishments as a means to self-satisfaction.

Tomorrow I’m coming up on one month without cutting, which is kind of crazy because I really didn’t think I could stop. But at least in this moment, I’ve come to a place where I feel that I don’t need it.

I think the toughest part of this feeling is the fear that it’s all temporary and the next crash is just waiting to happen. But my goal is to enjoy what I have in the moment and to trust myself to be resilient enough to endure and recover from whatever comes my way.

Letting go of the unattainable

I know that we’re all resigned to mediocrity, but every time I get feedback that I’m imperfect in some way or even simply not the best, there’s a feeling of discomfort. That I’m not enough. Even when it’s often time out of control.

And then when I am “the best”, there’s anxiety arising from the pressure to stay that way, and there’s a tinge of depression from wondering why it doesn’t feel as great as its supposed to. So in a sense, everything sucks all the time, and nothing is ever enough.

So I’ve decided to try and put this internal tiger mom away. If I can be the best at anything, it’s going to be at self-acceptance of my mediocrity and especially of my weaknesses. I’m not actually sure where to start. But I think that the beginning is to end the desire of things that I can’t control.

The two things that come to mind straightaway are my skin and my depression. Where I’ve started to realize is where a lot of my rage stems from. My inability to control my own body in areas when other people don’t have to. I actually lashed out at my parents earlier this year in a way that I probably shouldn’t have. Because I was pissed that I was born into a body that fights against me every single day. Because I’ve been on a regimen of medication my entire life to deal with a chronic disease that I could never fully control. Because my natural response to any tiny struggle in life is literally that I should just kill myself.

And then at work, I’m actually doing okay. A little better than okay. Idk probably because of this perpetual need to satisfy my internal insecurities. But even then, it’s not enough. Because I see people that are better than me and all I can hear is why are YOU not good enough? I think in some instances, it might be productive – to push yourself to grow and learn. But on the flip side, the negative effects on confidence and self-esteem and general happiness I don’t think have been doing wonders for my self-development.

I just feel that I’m not really living if every day is filled with negative emotions about parts of my life that I can’t control. And if only I can learn to accept my mediocrity, my health problems, my weaknesses, and continue to cherish life the rare few in life do, maybe I wouldn’t wake up wanting to die every day.

Hedging

As cliché as it is, I have no doubt in my mind that everyone will leave me. Maybe not intentionally, but life is impermanent and so are relationships.

I’ve been going on a string of meditation retreats lately. And I’ve been finding it really difficult to connect with myself. Not that it used to be easy, but I used to at least be able to feel things. And lately, I feel nothing. I can do the outward motions – I can laugh when something is funny – but it’s difficult to remember what pure joy feels like. I’ve also found myself distancing myself from my parents, from my friends.

I suppose I’ve taught myself to hedge. If I can’t feel at all, I can’t feel the bad things. If I don’t get close to anyone, when they leave me, it won’t hurt as much. But in the meantime, I’ve left myself only with emptiness, loneliness, and guilt. 

So I’ve committed to opening myself up to vulnerability. Not just the outward things. Somehow, I’ve always been comfortable with that. But the real fears that no one knows except me – that I’ll end up alone; that I’m just a last resort for friendship, but no one would actually spend time with me if they had other options; that if I recover from depression, I won’t like the person underneath and neither will anyone else; that I’ll die without having made a real impact on the world.

And I’m committing to admitting my true feelings for people to people. Because when other people share with me, 9/10, it actually brightens my day.

I’m sick of feeling empty.

Rediscovering Metta

When I first started this blog five years ago, I did it as a commitment to practice a little more lovingkindness – toward others, but mostly toward myself.

And through the years, I think I’ve lost sight of that path. Along the way, I decided that I wasn’t enough. In some instances, I was told by other people – repeatedly – that I wasn’t enough. But the point is, I decided that they were right. And it’s a long road back.

I’ve been told that I need to start writing again and evidently have a lot of pent up rage. Which isn’t wrong. I don’t know who exactly it’s directed at, but it’s problematic. Over the past two years, I haven’t had any time to think. Any little emotion that bubbled up, I just shoved back down. And now that I do have time to think, it’s all bubbling back up and I feel so incredibly lost.

What I do know is that I’m extremely discontent with who I am right now. I feel like I don’t deserve this life I have right now and I also feel like I’m constantly pretending to be someone that I’m not.

Everything hurts inside all the damn time and I don’t know how to let it out and I don’t know who would understand. I have this constant feeling that I’m not enough but I don’t know what I need to do to get there.

And to be honest, I don’t know how to let go of this version of myself – this stress-ridden, depressed version of myself – because if I let go of it, and I’m somehow still not enough, then there really is no hope left. I feel so horribly misunderstood by everyone – people who see this idealistic version of myself that doesn’t really exist. And it’s lonely. But I don’t know what to say to make them understand.

I guess the first step is to figure out what it is that would make me enough. I’m really lost out here though…

It’s different this time

Every other time things sucked because something happened. So i knew it was going to get better. And i wanted it to get better. So i fought for it to get better.

Things are really fucking great right now. But it feels like everything sucks. I’m not myself. It’s getting harder and harder to put on that fake smile in the office every day. And nobody gets it. I can’t possibly feel this way. It doesn’t make any sense. Because my life is supposed to be great. And i just don’t know how to appreciate it.

It doesn’t feel like things are going to get better. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to talk to anybody because there’s nothing anybody can say. I just want it to stop.

…

I’ve been working nonstop for the past 6 months and its been super painful but i’ve dealt with it because i thought things would be better when it was over. but i’m finally in a good situation with a relaxed work environment in an amazing city. and things are supposed to be good now things are supposed to be good.

but i still feel like shit every day and life seems so hopeless and i spend all my energy trying to convince myself that i’m supposed to be happy and i’m not. there just doesn’t seem to be a point because things don’t get better.

and i know how incredibly stupid and hurtful it would be to my family and my friends to do it and so i don’t think i would but i think about it all the time. it just hurts so much to be here.

maybe i’m not thinking straight but i thought things were better and they’re not and this time i don’t have an excuse this time it’s just me.

i don’t know who to talk to and no one deserves to have to deal with me. i don’t know what to do. it hurts so much right now.

the light

The darkness started in November. No, it was before that. But I made the first cut in November. And it took me 4 months to stop. And I really thought that I would be dead before I made it here. Because it hurt to wake up. And to get out of bed. And to go to work.

It hurt to smile. And to talk to people. To spend every second of every day lying.

It felt like my mind was drowning and treading water all the damn time. Never quite reaching the surface.

I didn’t think I would make it here.

It’s one thing to be alive. It’s another to live. I’ve felt joy in the past week. Real joy. Not the plastic smile I’ve worn across my face for the past eight months, crying in whatever private space I could find. But that bubbling feeling in my chest, the one that can’t be contained.

I didn’t even recognize it at first.

And I kept up the motions. Waking up at 5:30am to put in a 12 hour day because it took me twice as long to get everything done. Riding Ubers to the office because I didn’t trust myself behind the wheel. I didn’t know where I would go. Or what I would do. The temptations I had, I could never say out loud.

The only moments with relief were when I drew blood. And for a brief moment, I could feel again. Better yet, I couldn’t feel anything else.

I stopped cutting four months ago. And this week, for the first time, I was happy. It still feels surreal. I’m proud to have made it here. But I still feel like I got lucky, and I don’t know how to reconcile that. Because what if I don’t make it out one day?

Someone today told me “its nice to see you smile again”. I don’t know why it felt so good. But I think I was glad someone said it out loud.

Striving to be

I’m at a place now where instead of choosing to be alive, I’m looking to choose to be happy. I honestly didn’t expect to make it here and I’m terrified that I’m still teetering on the edge, but seeing that option in front me is comforting. It’s a visible step forward.

Things are still hard, but in a different way. Over the past couple of months, I’ve gradually cut more and more people out of my life. I could barely manage the everyday interactions I was having, so I canceled plans, I stopped responding to messages, I spent as much time by myself as I could. Now that I’m finally ready to stop moping around, I’m finding myself unusually alone.

Its not the worst problem in the world to have though. Part of where I am now is little by little understanding the things that take me to a dark place, working not to overreact, and striving to be happy regardless of circumstance. Because I can’t guarantee that my life won’t sink to shit ever again and I want to be ready.

I’m not quite there yet, but having the option in front of me means that I’m moving forward. Here’s hoping I continue in that direction.